Sunday, May 24, 2009

what is next?

Tears are flowing, waves are moving and howls come out of my mouth. It is Sunday morning and I was cleaning my closet to pick up what I dropped on the floor last week and create the sense of order I know I appreciate when I am facing a busy week! I hear the TV as I walk through the family room on my way to the washer. I stop and watch for a moment and catch the word Alzheimer's. It is the program Maria Shriver created as her father Sargent Shriver the vital public servant of the Kennedy era is living with the disease.   I watch, I cry, I wave and I howl. My husband has been diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia one of the 28 types of dementia lumped under the word Altzhiemers. I know what the past few years have been and yes it does help to be told that the painful arguments were "the disease" and i wonder what the the days and months ahead will be. A number of children were part of the project talking about their grandparents, explaining to each other about what is happening to their loved one.

I am grateful to have seen the program for this.....one young boy about 7 or 8 said "sometimes all you have is heart". Those words triggered the largest wave and loudest howl. Is that all I will have as my husband's disease progresses? Heart, my heart! Amazing! Amazing because when I was living my Catalyst experience I couldn't find a word to describe my unleashed self and I spontaneously painted a heart and that became my symbol and the logo for my business! Who would have known! Not me! I do know that what ever unfolds Great RIG will be the heart of it! Great RIG for me from me and great RIG for him from me.........There are infrequent flashes of that look in his eye when he says "I love You" that remind me of what we had, remind me that is what we had and then i come back t where I live now here in the moment and I carry that look in my heart. Heart sometimes that is all you have.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Magnificence of Awakening

A new day is awakening.  The darkness of night blue is softly fading away as light emerges at the edges to take its place accompanied by the deep rose that colours the surface of the peaceful water and heralds the arrival of the sun.  An orchestra of birds has begun to warm up and the owl, not yet ready to sleep hoots its presence. One large bright star in the east remains and others twinkle to keep it company.  The moon is on the other side of the house away from the water, lost to my sight and yet there all the same.
Although not by nature a morning person I love these times when awake and alone in the stillness of my house I experience myself as one with the unfolding around me.  It is at these times I feel a deep sense of connection of peace of the immenseness of my presence.  No limits just the huge space I am to unfold.  Nothing to do now, nothing to press against just space, space to flow and flow and flow!
I am reminded of two concerts I attended last weekend.  Both very different performers and yet in both I was struck by my perception that the audience was completely immaterial to the music being made!  In the moment of the music the artists went inside and were oblivious to the 2500 or so people listening and seemed only present to themselves.  I began to wonder and pay attention to those moments in my life.  Standing on my deck wrapped in a blanket being the day that awakens is one of those moments for me.  I smile and remember the oneness of the moment and move silently and with ease into the next, next and next.................

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Letting it All Hang Out

I notice first that my belly is tight and then I become aware that my breath is up in my throat and no sooner does that sensation come into my awareness when I realize that my shoulders are tense and then I realize that my upper back is also tense.  I wonder how all this tension could be present in my body and I don't even notice.  I wonder what I am so occupied with, what I am paying attention to so as to not notice what state my body is in.  What is it that my body already senses, what is it that it knows about my environment that I have yet to notice.  What is it that I don't want to know and what does it cost me not to know!  And in that thought I relax my belly, drop my attention to the base of my spine and everything changes.  So simple and yet such massive change and in a heart beat.  I laugh out loud to myself....who cares if my belly hangs out!  Who even notices?  And if they do so what!  Tonight all that happened in my car as I drove through woods and was grateful for the new moose fencing that keeps those massive animals off the road and away from my car.  I love time in my car.... driving...in the confines of the car I create my own world and I drive down a mostly empty road tonight.  I breathe and let go.  I don't worry about answers and know it will all unfold as it should and what ever it is I know I am safe moment to moment to moment.  I think about what is present in my world and wonder how conscious I was when I manifested all that and I refocus on what I clearly want what i dream about creating.  I have been alone and in that aloneness lost touch with community that shares a passion and commitment to evolution.  In that aloneness I have struggled.  I commit to mySelf to my evolution and in that commitment I reach out and I am so much more!  i breathe and i let it all hang out....and with elegance of course!   

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Awakening to what I Create

There are days when I wonder how awake I am when I look around and notice what I have actually created on my holideck!  That I have manifested it I have no doubt.  That it constantly shape sifts I am certain.  Shape shifts according to my degree of awakeness to my ability to focus on the huge intention that I carry.  That everything on it is of my creation I have no doubt...that I have been asleep when when I manifested some of it I have no doubt.  That my husband is some aspect of my consciousness I have no doubt   What I have yet to experience in my body is the genius in what he has created for himself and how together we have created that in the way we relate to each other.  That what he has created on his holideck certainly opens the door for him to move through his world very differently is pretty certain and perhaps that is what he wanted.  That I had been asleep for some time to the potential we had to create great RIG I have no doubt.  I didn't!  We didn't!  Had I given up on the possibility for us? What kind of habituated strategy is that?  Where is it present in other aspects of my life?  Could this strategy ever hinder the huge intention I hold to create my Emerging Future moment to moment to moment!  What if any connection is there between this habituated pattern and my current holideck?  What connection is there to my own collapsed space in my chest?  what connection is there to my lack of focus on the intention I hold for how I want to move through my world, the holideck I want to create.   Is the habituated pattern that I give up on mySelf that I go to sleep about what I want and out of fear go back to sleep, never go the extra mile, never open my mouth to speak my own truth.  Go to sleep on my own potential, keep my life small,  crush the spark before it can become a flame in case it burns.  What if the flame would just transform, transform a small and weeny life into the vast potential I know I have to be present to me.  Awake.  Vibrant and full of Breath!  Breath the sign of life.  Imagine!  Imagine what my life could be!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Unknown Unknown

Living in the moment has new meaning for me now as does my commitment to my own evolution!  Amazing what coming face to face with myself and my fallibility can do to bring me back inside myself to all the dark places where I feel the most vulnerable.  All the dark places where I bargained with myself for a piece of me, counting on the fact that some of me would be left when all the other stuff was done.  Preaching one thing, take care of yourself, make time for yourself and doing another myself by not taking care of me first.....what hypocrisy what bullshit!  And life has taken a twist I never expected and as a result I have the opportunity to live on the edge by stepping into the unknown of designing my life on my own one moment at at time.  I have the opportunity to imagine the life I would design and not only design it but step into it!  As I do simple things like going for a walk by myself with out waiting for anyone or anything I realize I've probably never done that ever!  Most of my life has been spent taking care of others first often resenting it when all that hard work was just taken for granted and expected!  Imagine just a walk, a  on my own! Imagine the possibilities yet undiscovered as I moment to moment hold to my absolute commitment to my own evolution my own commitment to choose and choose and choose.  Simple and immense as I put me first in my own life and reshape it all, all with great RIG.