Sunday, June 24, 2007

Vibrant Colours

I am experiencing my world in brighter colours since my early dawn walk on the beach at Oceanstone last Friday morning. It was a quiet gray dawn, and the sand was coarse and cold as I walked in my bare feet. The world seemed to be all mine at that moment.......just the birds squaking and me walking on the edge of the Atlantic, an Atlantic that was gentle and quiet in that moment. Then the fog started to roll in and it seemed the birds were squaking all the louder.....and the bell was ringing...a hollow kind of sound. Bells have often called to me to remind me to get going, to school or to church or some other place I thought I should be or someone thought I should be and I didn't question. For now, in this moment, the bell had a lonely sound to it an echo that seemed to slide over the water right up to me. I found a comfortable rock and sat contemplating some of what I had discovered in our conversations....I don't know how many hours or days it had been since we started to talk. Time for me just seemd to collapse.....as I reminded myself to breath and stay in the tough conversations, stay in the moment....moment to moment to moment. Most often my tough conversations were with my own intellect. The rock began to dig into my butt or so it seemed and I was having a hard time sitting still....I was so fired up with what was going on inside of me....all the things I wanted to claim for me. So I started to walk again and I discovered two pieces of beach glass a blue one and a green one.....several shells I bagged to be carried home to add to the alter of special memories in my office. Things that remind me of this dawn walk, the depth of the conversations we have had and the recommitment I have made to be me no matter what company I am keeping. I know I am more present in me so my opportunity to sense more seems so new and exciting. Everything seems more vibrant like I am experiencing it for the first time. In my conversations I listen differently, I listen for my voice. Is it me speaking or is it the voice others expect me to speak with saying what they expect me to say. I am back to the office tomorrow. I will have to be present, awake moment to moment......to ensure I don't give me away as I have so many times before....doing, always doing what is expected. My body is into rebelling now, usually by initiating an asthma attack to get my attention to make clear the price of collusion in my life, no ifs ands or buts! No more comas for me. Just colours lots of colours in many different aspects of my life. ......I bought myself some pastels, 36 of them in all shades and colours and a big pad of paper a really big pad of paper! I got right in them tonight with my hands....not a sun Ann but a beautiful sunset full of vibrant colours. It is art because I say it is art my art and much more to come dirty hands and all.

I have a bunch of projects to get underway.......details later in another blog. I finally have a picture, a sense of how my book can unfold and that is so exciting to me. The artist in me is unfolding because I'm creating the space for its expression. Space a good topic for next time.

Life Lessons

Yesterday I was so proud of my computer neophyte self for setting up my new blog.....then when I tried to get back in this morning it was a no go, a no go and a no go. I Couldn't figure out how to log in and I couldn't even answer the questions about my username and password....I hadn't written them down....I didn't know I need to remember them and if I had I probably thought I would just remember what I needed to remember. As I thought about my struggle to figure it out, to make it work, to keep at it until I figured it out I had a good laugh at myself and guess what? Moments after deciding to just let go and set up a new blog it all reappeared as if magic .



What a metaphor for getting out of my head staying in the moment, if it is not working do something else. After a great chuckle "at myself" here I am in the middle of what I wanted with not much effort.......I am sure there is a great lesson there.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Cleaning my drawers

Why you might ask would I blog about cleaning my underwear drawer! Especially in my very first blog.......yup I actually got it set up all by myself. Well while the purpose may elude others it is critically clear and very important to me. Important because I had a huge, no pun intended, purpose in cleaning the drawer. It represents to me a new start. A vital new start....not the first new start I have ever made but certainly the first new start I've made in this moment. And of course I remember what my mother used to say about always making sure I had clean underwear on when I was going somewhere important. So I have new underwear on for this important event. A start to me showing up and being present in my own life.

For so long I thought that understanding that evolution was a process was enough for evolution to happen! I now acknowledge that my emphasis on understanding has gotten in the way of the very evolution I so desperately wanted.

So I'v cleaned out my underwear drawer and set up my blog! Imagine what will come next!