Whose Rule Anyway?

A few days ago after I figuratively fell on my face I finally gave in and acknowledged to myself how tired I really was. As you might imagine it was not a gentle giving in, a slow dawning realization, one that came about as a sort of noticing the increasingly loud messages of my body but one that arrived full blown just like a whack on the side of the head. Even then did I pay attention......not likely! Noticing and paying attention to what my body is saying to me is not my number one operating procedure! My usual practice is to work until the work is done no matter what and then if...IF there is any time left do something that is pleasurable for me. Connect with my family, read a book, go to a movie or the theater. Where on earth did I learn that it is okay to abuse my body to make sure that ALL THE WORK GETS DONE FIRST! I don't remember buying a ticket for that trip and yet that is exactly the way that I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I did notice for a short time about 20 years ago after I had a health scare and guess what....shortly after the scare passed I was back to the old pattern in the blink of an eye!

The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!

Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!

Rude What's Rude

Just as I was ready to post my musings the other night I realized how tired I was and in the same moment I realized I just wanted to crawl into my nice comfy bed and pull the covers up to my chin and take a few nice deep realxing breaths. What I did next was so automatic in and of itself that a moment after I said what I said to myself I reallized that it was another huge opportunity for me to notice how deeply hard wired some of my behaviour really is! I also notice how quickly it happens. What I said to myself was not really anything to write home about....I said "I am going to be rude now and go to bed". Rude, what's rude about me wanting to go to bed? What is rude abut me stopping doing what I am doing and just go to bed! Having noticed what I noticed I have done some more noticing over the past few days and wondered how many other times I have stopped myself to ask permission from some unnamed person or thing or thought of someone else before I just did what I needed to do? Take care of myself, take care of myself in something as simply as just going to bed when I was tired. No dance, no permission just stop what I am doing, brush my teeth, wash and cream my face, I like to do that it keeps the wrinkles at bay....and go to bed.

So this week I am being rude....it must be working too as my spouse has complained about how hard I have beeen to get along with the past few days! I have a lot of practicing to do and I am up for it....I'll keep you posted.

So it really is about love

Love. I hear lots and lots about love everywhere, in music, in books, in movies and on TV of course... talk about all kinds of love....good love, bad love, right love, wrong love, never ending love...always available love, understanding love...undying love. So many shapes, sizes and colours of love, designer love and even will all of that information about love how many of us really are at peace with our own knowing of love. Our own personal deep down, visceral unquestioning love of self. I know I continue to search for that self love, that acceptance, the unconditional I am okay just the way I am without exception...kind of acceptance that is so often the under pinning of the enduring novel. But never mind the novel, the story someone else writes to hook me, entertain and for a period of time carry me away from the minute day to day detail of my life. When I am not paying attention what is the real cost of the absence of the most fundamental and life sustaining energy of life? Love, self love. The life giving energy kind of love that is such second nature to me that I am totally unwilling to postpone going to the bathroom when I need to go, eating when I am hungry rather than on someone else's schedule resting when I am tired, quitting with work left on the desk rather than slugging it out in order to follow some old rule about never quitting when there is still work to do. Where did that rule come from ...I can't even recall and yet how many years have I consistently undervalued, under noticed and undeasigned my own resources to me! The resources that are my godforce, those unique and personal gifts that I give away so easily to those I care for..., to love deeply and with integrity the people I have chosen to be in my life. As I lay in our hospital emergency room last night I heard the bell toll....the message was loud and clear. Don't wait even a minute, start now this minute, do what you know you have been denying, that inside force that has been crying to get out for so long. Write the book....start with a new posting on the blog. Step up to the plate and shape your schedule open space to lay out the book...write something anything my heart needs it! Live in the moment, say no to and outside request just because I want to do something, anything it doesn't matter what just something that matters to me. Make no excuses I matter in my life, in fact I am the only thing that matters in my life and it sure as heck matters as much as what someone else wants from me. Yup I will be rude as being polite seems to mean that I don't count in my life. The wake up bell is ringing and guess what it is my bell and it has been ringing for me for a long time! I plan to show up and ring that darn bell exactly when I want to ring it. And now I am off to bed...I'm tired and just going to bed is how I am loving me right now. Stay tuned there is lots more to come!

In Flow

I love Sunday mornings! I love the peace of them, the sense of empowerment in recognizing that I create a different pace, and more space to contemplate, to listen to music...the music I choose....the music the universe creates outside my open windows and doors...the birds...the water...the loons.....the chipmunks and squirrels....especially the one sitting in my bird feeder outside my dinning room window enjoying the buffet he wasn't invited to and attends with his/her own sense of absolute entitlement! I could learn from this squirrel as I smile and enjoy his/her antics in getting up and into what the feeder has to offer!

I revel in the dream we, my husband/partner and I have created. I remember to tell him how much his creativity and hard work in landscaping Peaceful Haven are central to what I midwife/birth here. Often when clients first drive into the yard and I notice what they notice again for the first time....I have a silent secret moment of extreme pleasure just watching as they pause and stand still, so still and gaze at the water and savour this Oasis in the city. I know it sets the environment for them to step into the something bigger, something else they might not have even thought was possible a few short moments before!

I know how blessed I am to have stayed in so many of my own difficult conversations for so long to have arrived just here....just exactly where I want to be and exactly where I know I am meant to be. I know that I am open to whatever my next evolution will be .....breathing is good.....and there is always more!

And I smile as I post this.....it is so not what I thought I would write when I logged on today.....I had a theme all picked out, all about Guru's ......I wanted to talk about how important Yoga practice has become in my life.....ohh well maybe next time and maybe not depending on what comes out the end of my fingers when I am in the moment and open to the flow in the Spirit of Aloha.....without judgement.

Vibrant Colours

I am experiencing my world in brighter colours since my early dawn walk on the beach at Oceanstone last Friday morning. It was a quiet gray dawn, and the sand was coarse and cold as I walked in my bare feet. The world seemed to be all mine at that moment.......just the birds squaking and me walking on the edge of the Atlantic, an Atlantic that was gentle and quiet in that moment. Then the fog started to roll in and it seemed the birds were squaking all the louder.....and the bell was ringing...a hollow kind of sound. Bells have often called to me to remind me to get going, to school or to church or some other place I thought I should be or someone thought I should be and I didn't question. For now, in this moment, the bell had a lonely sound to it an echo that seemed to slide over the water right up to me. I found a comfortable rock and sat contemplating some of what I had discovered in our conversations....I don't know how many hours or days it had been since we started to talk. Time for me just seemd to collapse.....as I reminded myself to breath and stay in the tough conversations, stay in the moment....moment to moment to moment. Most often my tough conversations were with my own intellect. The rock began to dig into my butt or so it seemed and I was having a hard time sitting still....I was so fired up with what was going on inside of me....all the things I wanted to claim for me. So I started to walk again and I discovered two pieces of beach glass a blue one and a green one.....several shells I bagged to be carried home to add to the alter of special memories in my office. Things that remind me of this dawn walk, the depth of the conversations we have had and the recommitment I have made to be me no matter what company I am keeping. I know I am more present in me so my opportunity to sense more seems so new and exciting. Everything seems more vibrant like I am experiencing it for the first time. In my conversations I listen differently, I listen for my voice. Is it me speaking or is it the voice others expect me to speak with saying what they expect me to say. I am back to the office tomorrow. I will have to be present, awake moment to moment......to ensure I don't give me away as I have so many times before....doing, always doing what is expected. My body is into rebelling now, usually by initiating an asthma attack to get my attention to make clear the price of collusion in my life, no ifs ands or buts! No more comas for me. Just colours lots of colours in many different aspects of my life. ......I bought myself some pastels, 36 of them in all shades and colours and a big pad of paper a really big pad of paper! I got right in them tonight with my hands....not a sun Ann but a beautiful sunset full of vibrant colours. It is art because I say it is art my art and much more to come dirty hands and all.

I have a bunch of projects to get underway.......details later in another blog. I finally have a picture, a sense of how my book can unfold and that is so exciting to me. The artist in me is unfolding because I'm creating the space for its expression. Space a good topic for next time.

Life Lessons

Yesterday I was so proud of my computer neophyte self for setting up my new blog.....then when I tried to get back in this morning it was a no go, a no go and a no go. I Couldn't figure out how to log in and I couldn't even answer the questions about my username and password....I hadn't written them down....I didn't know I need to remember them and if I had I probably thought I would just remember what I needed to remember. As I thought about my struggle to figure it out, to make it work, to keep at it until I figured it out I had a good laugh at myself and guess what? Moments after deciding to just let go and set up a new blog it all reappeared as if magic .



What a metaphor for getting out of my head staying in the moment, if it is not working do something else. After a great chuckle "at myself" here I am in the middle of what I wanted with not much effort.......I am sure there is a great lesson there.

Cleaning my drawers

Why you might ask would I blog about cleaning my underwear drawer! Especially in my very first blog.......yup I actually got it set up all by myself. Well while the purpose may elude others it is critically clear and very important to me. Important because I had a huge, no pun intended, purpose in cleaning the drawer. It represents to me a new start. A vital new start....not the first new start I have ever made but certainly the first new start I've made in this moment. And of course I remember what my mother used to say about always making sure I had clean underwear on when I was going somewhere important. So I have new underwear on for this important event. A start to me showing up and being present in my own life.

For so long I thought that understanding that evolution was a process was enough for evolution to happen! I now acknowledge that my emphasis on understanding has gotten in the way of the very evolution I so desperately wanted.

So I'v cleaned out my underwear drawer and set up my blog! Imagine what will come next!