Stepping out to step in

The pressure in my chest was huge and dense. If it had a colour it was black and if it had a feeling it felt like it was stuck to me with suction cups like the underside of an octopus's legs. Stuck to me and sucking the life out of me! It felt stuck and heavy like an elephant was standing on me and not just the front feet all of it!

No wonder I couldn't breathe and the harder I fought against the pressure the harder it was to get a breath. I heaved and as I heaved I felt panicky and I am so grateful that I know what I know so I didn't run to the hospital where I would be given drugs to silence this hugely vital message from my body! In my more lucid moments it was clear to me that my body was saying no and the only relevant question was whether or not I was ready, yet, to listen to the message and choose ME? I don't want to even think about the consequences of not choosing ME. I have so much living to do and so many books to write the only question is am I willing to step out of my donkeyness, being a beast of burden and feeling responsible to carry it all? As I carried them I just thought that they were mine to carry. That they must be carried the way I have been carrying them, even when no one asks me to, and that this is the only way my life can be. Being the best donkey in the pack is not exactly how I imagined my life to be especially at this stage of my life. I can and have changed it already. Oh I wanted to be prepared, be respectful in the way I declared my intention the I was done, done, done with donkeyness and the contract was up for renegotiation.

You know what someone famous said about the best laid plans of mice and men...........so there I was just saying no! Wow that easy. NO! Not like that not anymore and not really as respectfully as I planned and still no! No, no, no! There was a a bit of fire behind that voice!

Stepping out for a WEL-Systems based retreat at Oceanstone that marvellous oasis on the edge of the Atlantic,in the company of other women unwilling to back away from the difficult conversations was everything I hoped it would be! It was time away from routine, television, ringing phones and any outside demands and provided the environment for me to step back and create the space to rethink how I want to be moving through my life moment to moment to moment. And what a surprise breathe is flowing as smoothly and easily as I intend my life to flow. And as Louise so elegantly promises " and there is always more" Nope she is not kidding and that is just fine. I am up for it and for the moment the image I have in my mind is of a beautiful Irish Setter flying along on the sand at the edge of the ocean. Running full tilt with all her feathers floating on the wind, poetry in motion, free and one with the universe. Me unbound and limitless!