Pressure in my chest....again! What is it all about this time? What do I notice? What is going on around me? Who is here? Am I trying to impress? Am I trying to control the outcome of a relatively ordinary family dinner? No I wasn't trying to impress anyone although I admit I certainly had a huge attachment to an outcome. I wanted it to be a pleasant dinner, respectful conversation and a peaceful family evening. I knew we were all adults and I was determined that we would all help that I wouldn't do all the work while everyone else was relaxing and visiting!
I was present and aware of my inner state and for the greater portion of the evening everything was as I imagined it to be. Then for no reason I could put my finger on I started to wheeze a bit and then I noticed that I felt huge pressure in my chest. As I write these words there is huge heat moving from the fire center up through my body so although my intellect has not offered up any understanding my body knows the fear I felt that something would be said and tempers flare and the image of family I hold so vitally important would not be as I imagine it to be! The bigger question is why I believe it is my job to "make sure" everything is nice! More donkeyness I am so determined to let go of so I am more like the white horse or my Irish Setter running on the beach by the ocean freely comletley one with the universe! And there is always more...............and I am up for it
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