Swirling, moaning, rustling leaves, rattling screens, fading away, returning to my awareness, clinging, dancing through the corners of my soul. What is it about the wind that it so fascinates me today? Of course I recall snippets of songs, comments about wind. Fear of its power and the desire to harness it use it for some purpose and just for today I am the wind! I swirl and moan and squeak, rousing me from sleep, refusing to be silent, refusing to "die down" fanning the fire. Sucking at it like you suck on a straw to get the last of it, reminding me that you need air in order for the fire to burn and transform. That the air I am has been speaking in symbols and especially sounds for a long time banging at the door of my attention so that I would notice I am not a donkey! A beast of burden to take on and take on to keep the peace or whatever other bull shit reason I think it is my job for a minute and day or a week so I won't notice that it is crushing the life out of me. Silencing the dreams the big voice I carry to speak my truth especially when it doesn't fit or conform to the expected. Is that the special connection I feel to my grandson who stepped out of the craziness he was living? He too medicated and the only difference is mine was legal. Both courses of action numbed us out to silence our brilliance, our voice to so we could carry on being the beast of burden and tolerate the craziness. God forbid we call the elephant an elephant!
The wind I am in silent now knowing a connection to my fire has been made, peace no struggle just flow, breathing easy.
I hear it again, the dance, the touch, the fire has moved and for the moment there is stillness and peace opportunity to rest and awaken refreshed re-newed riding the current that I watch Jonathan do....remember him he is the seagull that wanted to fly high and be all it was possible to imagine and be! Me too! Riding the current, first one and then another and another.....moment to moment..................
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am my heart & soul
When I was in school I loved history! It was so easy for me to memorize a bunch of stuff and spit it back in class or on an exam and then I thought spitting that stuff back meant I was smart and that meant I would do well in life. It was drilled into me that history helps us analyse what has already happened and then we can use that to figure out what to do next. For me that was like follow the rules and you'll be okay, good things will happen if you follow the rules and all your dreams will come true. I could have made up that part about all your dreams coming true and for sure that is what I believed. I am a smart woman and although older now I am in awe of how much of all that stuff sure didn't work out the way it was suggested to me.....was it all a lie. No I don't believe that I was deliberately lied to I know that the people who said those things to me believed what they said and lots of people still seem to believe them. It is amazing to me that while I was so busy analysing the past my present was slipping away and my future sure as hell was not guaranteed just because something happened yesterday. So now as I unravel the impact of the way I was trained, to believe that doing the same thing over and over would make my life predictable and safe I realize just how untrue that was for me and what the outcomes of accepting with out question all that have meant for me! And yes I also believed in Santa Claus and that parents knew everything and what they told me would always be true. So for the most part I followed the rules at least the ones that made sense to me mostly because I had not yet discovered that there was another way. I am so grateful for my curious mind, for the fire that burns in my belly to get to my core, to get to the place where I am open and honest with me first and then move through my life decloaked to be completley unwilling to not be who I am no matter what no matter where. Then and only then will I be able to say I am my heart and soul standing alone creating my life moment to moment and yet willing to share with someone who can stand and claim themselves and co-create with me. That may mean I stand alone and that is just fine with me becasue safe and predicatable is just too small and dark and confining. I intend to create my own trip and fly high! I hope i meet you on the wing.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I See Me
I have been doing a lot pondering since I wrote my last post...which is probably a good thing! A good thing because I know that just remembering what it was like last fall will never change how I create my future, how I live my life day to day unless I evolve from what happened. To evolve from my near burn out I will need to stay awake, present and connected to my body. I now am able to recognize and remember that I got to my burn out state by avoiding at all costs paying attention to the information my body was giving me on a regular basis. Things like headaches, insomnia, heartburn, overwhelming fatigue, difficulty concentrating and never being able to just relax. I ignored it all and just kept on keeping on setting unreasonable, unattainable deadlines and beating myself up about not meeting them. I ignored the very information that would have created the space for me to choose differently. Choose in the moment and who knows I might have avoided it all!
So why, one might wonder, would an intelligent, well read and informed woman continue to override what she knows to be true. Without doubt what is true is that allowing my intellect to dictate and over ride my built in fail safe mechanisms defies understanding. Doing so explains, on the other hand, how deeply wired my old rules are. Rules about work, money, play, and most especially self. Now several weeks after admitting out loud that I came pretty close to a burn out paradoxically the same situation also offers me the opportunity to choose on a moment to moment basis to transform my life through a heightened sense of awareness. With a heightened state of awareness I step into my own power and transformation occurs in a heart beat! I like the sound of that....transformation in a heart beat. Ah yes remember the awareness......awareness.....moment to moment awareness transformation two sides of the same hand! I see me.
So why, one might wonder, would an intelligent, well read and informed woman continue to override what she knows to be true. Without doubt what is true is that allowing my intellect to dictate and over ride my built in fail safe mechanisms defies understanding. Doing so explains, on the other hand, how deeply wired my old rules are. Rules about work, money, play, and most especially self. Now several weeks after admitting out loud that I came pretty close to a burn out paradoxically the same situation also offers me the opportunity to choose on a moment to moment basis to transform my life through a heightened sense of awareness. With a heightened state of awareness I step into my own power and transformation occurs in a heart beat! I like the sound of that....transformation in a heart beat. Ah yes remember the awareness......awareness.....moment to moment awareness transformation two sides of the same hand! I see me.
Friday, February 1, 2008
To burn or not to burn
My sister and I often recommend books to each other and recently she recommended When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. As I began to read it the other night I was startled to read the following quote "in the important areas of their lives almost none of my patients with serious disease had ever learned to say no."
No! To maintain our health all we have to do is say NO. Such a little word, just 2 letters and yet so powerful and so very difficult for many of us to say! Why is that? What on earth makes saying no such a big deal? I asked myself that when I read those lines ithe other night especially since I failed to say no so many times in the months leading up to Christmas 2007. Let me be excedingly clear the no I never said was to me! I over road my body's messages over and over and over again for 2 or 3 nonths without a break. Messages of fatique, hunger, bathroom, relaxation, kindness, gentleness, self care all of them. Why? Nobody forced me to do that.... get this except me! What kind of sense does that make? It made sense to me at the time because there was a client to see, something I wanted to do, work I wanted to finish a goal I was determined to meet and I was unwilling to be deterred, by anything. With what did I pay for this determination? Why my health of course! The body is the final line in the sand and it will have it's pound of flesh! So when my doctor asked me to come and see her about the results of a test she ordered I went. Did I mention that I am blessed with a marvelous doctor, one who listens to me and partner's with me in my health. Did I mention that I had a visit to the outpatient department of our local hospital with chest pain and blood presure out of sight for me! So when she said by the way you had a panic attack I laughed and said no, not me I don't do panic attacks! Well she said what did you have when you went to the hospital? Chest pain I said. Well she said all your heart tests are normal...you had a panic attack. No I said. So she said what was it? Well I finally adimitted that I could have had an overwhelmed attack at which point she had a chuckle. Did I mention this woman is wonderful!
So after 3 weeks away from my office on a planned vacation and 2 more weeks to ponder how I behaved and the consequences of my choice to work, work, work! I can honestly say I had a panic attack. It was my body's way of upping the signal and hoping to get through to me that I better pay attention! Did I mention that it is so easy for me to work. I have the most wonderful job in the world, having the opportunity to interact every day with great people and be coach and role model for folks who want to live life to the fullest. Being a CODE model coach and catalyst means I get to live my passsion every day in my office. So if all that is true and it is... how come I forgot and defaulted to my old conditioning of being a human doing? I think I got so consumed with what I was doing I forgot to live moment to moment to moment and got so focused on the "goal" I forgot to enjoy the ride and once the process got launched I was unwilling to get off the train! I was so sure that the ticket to ride would get me what I wanted I never asked the price. Have I ever done that before? Yes once about 28 years ago. Wow did I forget what happens when you stop caring for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! Why we do that is the subject for another day. I start 2008 with a new passion for me. I have learned to say NO. No to taking on stuff that is not mine. No to outrageous goals I set for me there is enough time and energy for everything I want there is no need to rush...slow down and enjoy the getting there it is such a large part of the fun! No bankrupting me. No to a serious disease when health = NO! There will be no more burn or panic for this gal!
No! To maintain our health all we have to do is say NO. Such a little word, just 2 letters and yet so powerful and so very difficult for many of us to say! Why is that? What on earth makes saying no such a big deal? I asked myself that when I read those lines ithe other night especially since I failed to say no so many times in the months leading up to Christmas 2007. Let me be excedingly clear the no I never said was to me! I over road my body's messages over and over and over again for 2 or 3 nonths without a break. Messages of fatique, hunger, bathroom, relaxation, kindness, gentleness, self care all of them. Why? Nobody forced me to do that.... get this except me! What kind of sense does that make? It made sense to me at the time because there was a client to see, something I wanted to do, work I wanted to finish a goal I was determined to meet and I was unwilling to be deterred, by anything. With what did I pay for this determination? Why my health of course! The body is the final line in the sand and it will have it's pound of flesh! So when my doctor asked me to come and see her about the results of a test she ordered I went. Did I mention that I am blessed with a marvelous doctor, one who listens to me and partner's with me in my health. Did I mention that I had a visit to the outpatient department of our local hospital with chest pain and blood presure out of sight for me! So when she said by the way you had a panic attack I laughed and said no, not me I don't do panic attacks! Well she said what did you have when you went to the hospital? Chest pain I said. Well she said all your heart tests are normal...you had a panic attack. No I said. So she said what was it? Well I finally adimitted that I could have had an overwhelmed attack at which point she had a chuckle. Did I mention this woman is wonderful!
So after 3 weeks away from my office on a planned vacation and 2 more weeks to ponder how I behaved and the consequences of my choice to work, work, work! I can honestly say I had a panic attack. It was my body's way of upping the signal and hoping to get through to me that I better pay attention! Did I mention that it is so easy for me to work. I have the most wonderful job in the world, having the opportunity to interact every day with great people and be coach and role model for folks who want to live life to the fullest. Being a CODE model coach and catalyst means I get to live my passsion every day in my office. So if all that is true and it is... how come I forgot and defaulted to my old conditioning of being a human doing? I think I got so consumed with what I was doing I forgot to live moment to moment to moment and got so focused on the "goal" I forgot to enjoy the ride and once the process got launched I was unwilling to get off the train! I was so sure that the ticket to ride would get me what I wanted I never asked the price. Have I ever done that before? Yes once about 28 years ago. Wow did I forget what happens when you stop caring for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! Why we do that is the subject for another day. I start 2008 with a new passion for me. I have learned to say NO. No to taking on stuff that is not mine. No to outrageous goals I set for me there is enough time and energy for everything I want there is no need to rush...slow down and enjoy the getting there it is such a large part of the fun! No bankrupting me. No to a serious disease when health = NO! There will be no more burn or panic for this gal!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Whose Rule Anyway?
A few days ago after I figuratively fell on my face I finally gave in and acknowledged to myself how tired I really was. As you might imagine it was not a gentle giving in, a slow dawning realization, one that came about as a sort of noticing the increasingly loud messages of my body but one that arrived full blown just like a whack on the side of the head. Even then did I pay attention......not likely! Noticing and paying attention to what my body is saying to me is not my number one operating procedure! My usual practice is to work until the work is done no matter what and then if...IF there is any time left do something that is pleasurable for me. Connect with my family, read a book, go to a movie or the theater. Where on earth did I learn that it is okay to abuse my body to make sure that ALL THE WORK GETS DONE FIRST! I don't remember buying a ticket for that trip and yet that is exactly the way that I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I did notice for a short time about 20 years ago after I had a health scare and guess what....shortly after the scare passed I was back to the old pattern in the blink of an eye!
The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!
Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!
The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!
Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Rude What's Rude
Just as I was ready to post my musings the other night I realized how tired I was and in the same moment I realized I just wanted to crawl into my nice comfy bed and pull the covers up to my chin and take a few nice deep realxing breaths. What I did next was so automatic in and of itself that a moment after I said what I said to myself I reallized that it was another huge opportunity for me to notice how deeply hard wired some of my behaviour really is! I also notice how quickly it happens. What I said to myself was not really anything to write home about....I said "I am going to be rude now and go to bed". Rude, what's rude about me wanting to go to bed? What is rude abut me stopping doing what I am doing and just go to bed! Having noticed what I noticed I have done some more noticing over the past few days and wondered how many other times I have stopped myself to ask permission from some unnamed person or thing or thought of someone else before I just did what I needed to do? Take care of myself, take care of myself in something as simply as just going to bed when I was tired. No dance, no permission just stop what I am doing, brush my teeth, wash and cream my face, I like to do that it keeps the wrinkles at bay....and go to bed.
So this week I am being rude....it must be working too as my spouse has complained about how hard I have beeen to get along with the past few days! I have a lot of practicing to do and I am up for it....I'll keep you posted.
So this week I am being rude....it must be working too as my spouse has complained about how hard I have beeen to get along with the past few days! I have a lot of practicing to do and I am up for it....I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
So it really is about love
Love. I hear lots and lots about love everywhere, in music, in books, in movies and on TV of course... talk about all kinds of love....good love, bad love, right love, wrong love, never ending love...always available love, understanding love...undying love. So many shapes, sizes and colours of love, designer love and even will all of that information about love how many of us really are at peace with our own knowing of love. Our own personal deep down, visceral unquestioning love of self. I know I continue to search for that self love, that acceptance, the unconditional I am okay just the way I am without exception...kind of acceptance that is so often the under pinning of the enduring novel. But never mind the novel, the story someone else writes to hook me, entertain and for a period of time carry me away from the minute day to day detail of my life. When I am not paying attention what is the real cost of the absence of the most fundamental and life sustaining energy of life? Love, self love. The life giving energy kind of love that is such second nature to me that I am totally unwilling to postpone going to the bathroom when I need to go, eating when I am hungry rather than on someone else's schedule resting when I am tired, quitting with work left on the desk rather than slugging it out in order to follow some old rule about never quitting when there is still work to do. Where did that rule come from ...I can't even recall and yet how many years have I consistently undervalued, under noticed and undeasigned my own resources to me! The resources that are my godforce, those unique and personal gifts that I give away so easily to those I care for..., to love deeply and with integrity the people I have chosen to be in my life. As I lay in our hospital emergency room last night I heard the bell toll....the message was loud and clear. Don't wait even a minute, start now this minute, do what you know you have been denying, that inside force that has been crying to get out for so long. Write the book....start with a new posting on the blog. Step up to the plate and shape your schedule open space to lay out the book...write something anything my heart needs it! Live in the moment, say no to and outside request just because I want to do something, anything it doesn't matter what just something that matters to me. Make no excuses I matter in my life, in fact I am the only thing that matters in my life and it sure as heck matters as much as what someone else wants from me. Yup I will be rude as being polite seems to mean that I don't count in my life. The wake up bell is ringing and guess what it is my bell and it has been ringing for me for a long time! I plan to show up and ring that darn bell exactly when I want to ring it. And now I am off to bed...I'm tired and just going to bed is how I am loving me right now. Stay tuned there is lots more to come!
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