I am my heart & soul

When I was in school I loved history! It was so easy for me to memorize a bunch of stuff and spit it back in class or on an exam and then I thought spitting that stuff back meant I was smart and that meant I would do well in life. It was drilled into me that history helps us analyse what has already happened and then we can use that to figure out what to do next. For me that was like follow the rules and you'll be okay, good things will happen if you follow the rules and all your dreams will come true. I could have made up that part about all your dreams coming true and for sure that is what I believed. I am a smart woman and although older now I am in awe of how much of all that stuff sure didn't work out the way it was suggested to me.....was it all a lie. No I don't believe that I was deliberately lied to I know that the people who said those things to me believed what they said and lots of people still seem to believe them. It is amazing to me that while I was so busy analysing the past my present was slipping away and my future sure as hell was not guaranteed just because something happened yesterday. So now as I unravel the impact of the way I was trained, to believe that doing the same thing over and over would make my life predictable and safe I realize just how untrue that was for me and what the outcomes of accepting with out question all that have meant for me! And yes I also believed in Santa Claus and that parents knew everything and what they told me would always be true. So for the most part I followed the rules at least the ones that made sense to me mostly because I had not yet discovered that there was another way. I am so grateful for my curious mind, for the fire that burns in my belly to get to my core, to get to the place where I am open and honest with me first and then move through my life decloaked to be completley unwilling to not be who I am no matter what no matter where. Then and only then will I be able to say I am my heart and soul standing alone creating my life moment to moment and yet willing to share with someone who can stand and claim themselves and co-create with me. That may mean I stand alone and that is just fine with me becasue safe and predicatable is just too small and dark and confining. I intend to create my own trip and fly high! I hope i meet you on the wing.