Wow what a surprise!! In just a few short days I have come to appreciate my wheeze! Appreciate what you might ask since I sure asked myself the same question! And my answer is that my wheeze is my new best friend. It is my best friend because when I notice I am wheezing and I willing to pause, to pay attention and go inside and notice what what is going on in my body I often learn that all my 50 trillion cells are so tight it is no wonder I can hardly breathe and the wheeze is my body's way of getting my attention! So thank heaven for my willingness to do something different as otherwise I would do like I did for so many years revert to puffers that provide only minimal relief at any one time and only for a short time and then the routine starts all over again.
Now I am so different! When I become aware of the wheeze which is not always right away I stop, focus on dropping my breathe deeper into my body, sometimes I need to get up and move the restlessness in me and most times I need to pay attention to the thoughts that are invariably running around on a loop in my head. So far so good as my puffer use is down by 99% and I feel so good I have actually exercised this week!
I can only imagine the horizons that will open up out there when I open up in here.... And speaking of horizons the view from my deck at Peaceful Haven this morning is like something out of a magical, mystical movie! As I watched the solid bank of fog begin to part and lift and the mist is just hanging off the top of the trees and the whole scene is reflected in the water. Not a sound can be heard as it seems even the birds are in awe of the landscape unfolding for me this morning. The sky has patches of light as the morning awakes over the still water that absorbs and reflects. I explore the landscape as a metaphor unfolding before me in ever evolving clarity. Claim me. Claim me. I am free because I say I am no more waiting until anything happens. I am content because I say I am and because I have inside me everything I need now and if I need something else later I'll get it! It is not lost on me that since I declared myself free space has opened up and the "work" is still getting done! Imagine that! I can't wait to see what's next!
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Whose Rule Anyway?
A few days ago after I figuratively fell on my face I finally gave in and acknowledged to myself how tired I really was. As you might imagine it was not a gentle giving in, a slow dawning realization, one that came about as a sort of noticing the increasingly loud messages of my body but one that arrived full blown just like a whack on the side of the head. Even then did I pay attention......not likely! Noticing and paying attention to what my body is saying to me is not my number one operating procedure! My usual practice is to work until the work is done no matter what and then if...IF there is any time left do something that is pleasurable for me. Connect with my family, read a book, go to a movie or the theater. Where on earth did I learn that it is okay to abuse my body to make sure that ALL THE WORK GETS DONE FIRST! I don't remember buying a ticket for that trip and yet that is exactly the way that I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I did notice for a short time about 20 years ago after I had a health scare and guess what....shortly after the scare passed I was back to the old pattern in the blink of an eye!
The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!
Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!
The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!
Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!
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