Thanks for the Wheeze

Wow what a surprise!! In just a few short days I have come to appreciate my wheeze! Appreciate what you might ask since I sure asked myself the same question! And my answer is that my wheeze is my new best friend. It is my best friend because when I notice I am wheezing and I willing to pause, to pay attention and go inside and notice what what is going on in my body I often learn that all my 50 trillion cells are so tight it is no wonder I can hardly breathe and the wheeze is my body's way of getting my attention! So thank heaven for my willingness to do something different as otherwise I would do like I did for so many years revert to puffers that provide only minimal relief at any one time and only for a short time and then the routine starts all over again.

Now I am so different! When I become aware of the wheeze which is not always right away I stop, focus on dropping my breathe deeper into my body, sometimes I need to get up and move the restlessness in me and most times I need to pay attention to the thoughts that are invariably running around on a loop in my head. So far so good as my puffer use is down by 99% and I feel so good I have actually exercised this week!

I can only imagine the horizons that will open up out there when I open up in here.... And speaking of horizons the view from my deck at Peaceful Haven this morning is like something out of a magical, mystical movie! As I watched the solid bank of fog begin to part and lift and the mist is just hanging off the top of the trees and the whole scene is reflected in the water. Not a sound can be heard as it seems even the birds are in awe of the landscape unfolding for me this morning. The sky has patches of light as the morning awakes over the still water that absorbs and reflects. I explore the landscape as a metaphor unfolding before me in ever evolving clarity. Claim me. Claim me. I am free because I say I am no more waiting until anything happens. I am content because I say I am and because I have inside me everything I need now and if I need something else later I'll get it! It is not lost on me that since I declared myself free space has opened up and the "work" is still getting done! Imagine that! I can't wait to see what's next!

How shut down is shut down?

I know what I know and it's lots and at times I am so surprised that knowing all that doesn't help me to regain the state of ease and peace I so desire. I am in the moment realizing that knowing and living what I know are certainly two different things. I am learning that paying attention and being in the moment is the only way to de-code the messages from my body otherwise my body has to up the ante by talking louder. Sure I know all that stuff, from an intellectual point of view, about what is necessary in order for my body to function effectively. It needs stuff, air, sleep, food, down time and exercise although I have never been really good at that one! What I am re-learning moment to moment these past few days is to pay attention to what my body knows before it even comes to my attention. Not being able to breathe easily really gets my attention. So as my breathing comes into my awareness I notice and pay attention to how compressed my 50 trillion cells are and remember to say thank you for the wheeze my body creates as a way of bringing me back to the essentials, of reminding me what it needs to function effectively.
In the past few hours as I focus on breathing I have also paid attention to where in my body I find my breathe. I notice where my shoulders are, what my upper back muscles are doing and I use my thoughts to imagine that way I want to be breathing. That there is plenty of air for ME. That I am connected to and am that air and it can flow easily through my body nurturing and feeding it. By paying attention to how tight my body is and realize how much in protection I am in the moment.....imagine 50 trillion cells in lock down! As I, with intention shift my attention to the base of my spine I am beginning to re-claim a state of peace and flow and wonder of wonders my breathe flows....no struggle, no panic just ease and no wheeze!! How delightful to pay attention to flow and experience it so easily....now that is worth repeating! Oh and did I mention the monkey talk? Yes I paid a lot of attention to my surface dialogue and created a rote, mantra for the moment until I install new soft ware to re-program my mind to my new reality.......race horse running on the beach followed by a magnificent Irish Setter with all her feathers flying in the breeze now that's a picture to replace the donkeyness of an unwanted beast of burden and run free! gotta go I'm running free.................

Heat, heat and more heat

It seems lately that as I move through my world I am called to moment to moment to moment to notice, more than I used to notice, about my state, about what is going on in my body. Perhaps it is just that the waves of heat moving through me are so intense they simply can't be ignored! LOL! It is pretty hard to ignore the drops of moisture on my nose and forehead and the fact that any curls I might have had in my hair fall down in my eyes and my clothing is sticking to me! So what I have begun to do is to pay attention and notice where I am, what if any conversation is taking place and what the topic of conversation is about any any other relevant circumstance that have facilitated the movement of the waves and waves of heat I am experiencing! Since I am also waking up at night with waves and waves of heat moving through me and no it is not "hot flashes" I suspect that as the heat begins to move I have been dreaming or perhaps it is just that my body is feeling more relaxed and therefore it is much easier for the waves to move. On the other hand it matters not what had precipitated the wave only that the waves are moving and my body is restablising itself.

I must admit that I am amazed at the depth and frequency of the waves I am experiencing and the intensity of the heat from my heart chakra up. It seems for the past few days anyway the good news is that as all this heat moves through me I have broken my dependence on puffers and am able to stop the wheeze by focusing on dropping my breath to the base of my spine and by paying attention to my inner dialogue....which as you might have guessed is not usually very positive when I am gasping for breath! Oh yes the gasping is not much of a pretty sight either! Holding on to the image of me as a race horse or my beautiful Irish Setter running full tilt on the beach rather than of the beast of burden I had allowed myself to be sure helps. It also helps to say NO and to remember NO is a complete sentence when I am asked to take on stuff that is not mine!!

So I am amazed at the brilliance of my body and how it can heal itself if I ask my intellect to get out of the way...and there is always more!

breathe is more than breathing

Pressure in my chest....again! What is it all about this time? What do I notice? What is going on around me? Who is here? Am I trying to impress? Am I trying to control the outcome of a relatively ordinary family dinner? No I wasn't trying to impress anyone although I admit I certainly had a huge attachment to an outcome. I wanted it to be a pleasant dinner, respectful conversation and a peaceful family evening. I knew we were all adults and I was determined that we would all help that I wouldn't do all the work while everyone else was relaxing and visiting!

I was present and aware of my inner state and for the greater portion of the evening everything was as I imagined it to be. Then for no reason I could put my finger on I started to wheeze a bit and then I noticed that I felt huge pressure in my chest. As I write these words there is huge heat moving from the fire center up through my body so although my intellect has not offered up any understanding my body knows the fear I felt that something would be said and tempers flare and the image of family I hold so vitally important would not be as I imagine it to be! The bigger question is why I believe it is my job to "make sure" everything is nice! More donkeyness I am so determined to let go of so I am more like the white horse or my Irish Setter running on the beach by the ocean freely comletley one with the universe! And there is always more...............and I am up for it

Stepping out to step in

The pressure in my chest was huge and dense. If it had a colour it was black and if it had a feeling it felt like it was stuck to me with suction cups like the underside of an octopus's legs. Stuck to me and sucking the life out of me! It felt stuck and heavy like an elephant was standing on me and not just the front feet all of it!

No wonder I couldn't breathe and the harder I fought against the pressure the harder it was to get a breath. I heaved and as I heaved I felt panicky and I am so grateful that I know what I know so I didn't run to the hospital where I would be given drugs to silence this hugely vital message from my body! In my more lucid moments it was clear to me that my body was saying no and the only relevant question was whether or not I was ready, yet, to listen to the message and choose ME? I don't want to even think about the consequences of not choosing ME. I have so much living to do and so many books to write the only question is am I willing to step out of my donkeyness, being a beast of burden and feeling responsible to carry it all? As I carried them I just thought that they were mine to carry. That they must be carried the way I have been carrying them, even when no one asks me to, and that this is the only way my life can be. Being the best donkey in the pack is not exactly how I imagined my life to be especially at this stage of my life. I can and have changed it already. Oh I wanted to be prepared, be respectful in the way I declared my intention the I was done, done, done with donkeyness and the contract was up for renegotiation.

You know what someone famous said about the best laid plans of mice and men...........so there I was just saying no! Wow that easy. NO! Not like that not anymore and not really as respectfully as I planned and still no! No, no, no! There was a a bit of fire behind that voice!

Stepping out for a WEL-Systems based retreat at Oceanstone that marvellous oasis on the edge of the Atlantic,in the company of other women unwilling to back away from the difficult conversations was everything I hoped it would be! It was time away from routine, television, ringing phones and any outside demands and provided the environment for me to step back and create the space to rethink how I want to be moving through my life moment to moment to moment. And what a surprise breathe is flowing as smoothly and easily as I intend my life to flow. And as Louise so elegantly promises " and there is always more" Nope she is not kidding and that is just fine. I am up for it and for the moment the image I have in my mind is of a beautiful Irish Setter flying along on the sand at the edge of the ocean. Running full tilt with all her feathers floating on the wind, poetry in motion, free and one with the universe. Me unbound and limitless!

The Winds of Change

Swirling, moaning, rustling leaves, rattling screens, fading away, returning to my awareness, clinging, dancing through the corners of my soul. What is it about the wind that it so fascinates me today? Of course I recall snippets of songs, comments about wind. Fear of its power and the desire to harness it use it for some purpose and just for today I am the wind! I swirl and moan and squeak, rousing me from sleep, refusing to be silent, refusing to "die down" fanning the fire. Sucking at it like you suck on a straw to get the last of it, reminding me that you need air in order for the fire to burn and transform. That the air I am has been speaking in symbols and especially sounds for a long time banging at the door of my attention so that I would notice I am not a donkey! A beast of burden to take on and take on to keep the peace or whatever other bull shit reason I think it is my job for a minute and day or a week so I won't notice that it is crushing the life out of me. Silencing the dreams the big voice I carry to speak my truth especially when it doesn't fit or conform to the expected. Is that the special connection I feel to my grandson who stepped out of the craziness he was living? He too medicated and the only difference is mine was legal. Both courses of action numbed us out to silence our brilliance, our voice to so we could carry on being the beast of burden and tolerate the craziness. God forbid we call the elephant an elephant!

The wind I am in silent now knowing a connection to my fire has been made, peace no struggle just flow, breathing easy.

I hear it again, the dance, the touch, the fire has moved and for the moment there is stillness and peace opportunity to rest and awaken refreshed re-newed riding the current that I watch Jonathan do....remember him he is the seagull that wanted to fly high and be all it was possible to imagine and be! Me too! Riding the current, first one and then another and another.....moment to moment..................

I am my heart & soul

When I was in school I loved history! It was so easy for me to memorize a bunch of stuff and spit it back in class or on an exam and then I thought spitting that stuff back meant I was smart and that meant I would do well in life. It was drilled into me that history helps us analyse what has already happened and then we can use that to figure out what to do next. For me that was like follow the rules and you'll be okay, good things will happen if you follow the rules and all your dreams will come true. I could have made up that part about all your dreams coming true and for sure that is what I believed. I am a smart woman and although older now I am in awe of how much of all that stuff sure didn't work out the way it was suggested to me.....was it all a lie. No I don't believe that I was deliberately lied to I know that the people who said those things to me believed what they said and lots of people still seem to believe them. It is amazing to me that while I was so busy analysing the past my present was slipping away and my future sure as hell was not guaranteed just because something happened yesterday. So now as I unravel the impact of the way I was trained, to believe that doing the same thing over and over would make my life predictable and safe I realize just how untrue that was for me and what the outcomes of accepting with out question all that have meant for me! And yes I also believed in Santa Claus and that parents knew everything and what they told me would always be true. So for the most part I followed the rules at least the ones that made sense to me mostly because I had not yet discovered that there was another way. I am so grateful for my curious mind, for the fire that burns in my belly to get to my core, to get to the place where I am open and honest with me first and then move through my life decloaked to be completley unwilling to not be who I am no matter what no matter where. Then and only then will I be able to say I am my heart and soul standing alone creating my life moment to moment and yet willing to share with someone who can stand and claim themselves and co-create with me. That may mean I stand alone and that is just fine with me becasue safe and predicatable is just too small and dark and confining. I intend to create my own trip and fly high! I hope i meet you on the wing.

I See Me

I have been doing a lot pondering since I wrote my last post...which is probably a good thing! A good thing because I know that just remembering what it was like last fall will never change how I create my future, how I live my life day to day unless I evolve from what happened. To evolve from my near burn out I will need to stay awake, present and connected to my body. I now am able to recognize and remember that I got to my burn out state by avoiding at all costs paying attention to the information my body was giving me on a regular basis. Things like headaches, insomnia, heartburn, overwhelming fatigue, difficulty concentrating and never being able to just relax. I ignored it all and just kept on keeping on setting unreasonable, unattainable deadlines and beating myself up about not meeting them. I ignored the very information that would have created the space for me to choose differently. Choose in the moment and who knows I might have avoided it all!

So why, one might wonder, would an intelligent, well read and informed woman continue to override what she knows to be true. Without doubt what is true is that allowing my intellect to dictate and over ride my built in fail safe mechanisms defies understanding. Doing so explains, on the other hand, how deeply wired my old rules are. Rules about work, money, play, and most especially self. Now several weeks after admitting out loud that I came pretty close to a burn out paradoxically the same situation also offers me the opportunity to choose on a moment to moment basis to transform my life through a heightened sense of awareness. With a heightened state of awareness I step into my own power and transformation occurs in a heart beat! I like the sound of that....transformation in a heart beat. Ah yes remember the awareness......awareness.....moment to moment awareness transformation two sides of the same hand! I see me.

To burn or not to burn

My sister and I often recommend books to each other and recently she recommended When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. As I began to read it the other night I was startled to read the following quote "in the important areas of their lives almost none of my patients with serious disease had ever learned to say no."

No! To maintain our health all we have to do is say NO. Such a little word, just 2 letters and yet so powerful and so very difficult for many of us to say! Why is that? What on earth makes saying no such a big deal? I asked myself that when I read those lines ithe other night especially since I failed to say no so many times in the months leading up to Christmas 2007. Let me be excedingly clear the no I never said was to me! I over road my body's messages over and over and over again for 2 or 3 nonths without a break. Messages of fatique, hunger, bathroom, relaxation, kindness, gentleness, self care all of them. Why? Nobody forced me to do that.... get this except me! What kind of sense does that make? It made sense to me at the time because there was a client to see, something I wanted to do, work I wanted to finish a goal I was determined to meet and I was unwilling to be deterred, by anything. With what did I pay for this determination? Why my health of course! The body is the final line in the sand and it will have it's pound of flesh! So when my doctor asked me to come and see her about the results of a test she ordered I went. Did I mention that I am blessed with a marvelous doctor, one who listens to me and partner's with me in my health. Did I mention that I had a visit to the outpatient department of our local hospital with chest pain and blood presure out of sight for me! So when she said by the way you had a panic attack I laughed and said no, not me I don't do panic attacks! Well she said what did you have when you went to the hospital? Chest pain I said. Well she said all your heart tests are normal...you had a panic attack. No I said. So she said what was it? Well I finally adimitted that I could have had an overwhelmed attack at which point she had a chuckle. Did I mention this woman is wonderful!

So after 3 weeks away from my office on a planned vacation and 2 more weeks to ponder how I behaved and the consequences of my choice to work, work, work! I can honestly say I had a panic attack. It was my body's way of upping the signal and hoping to get through to me that I better pay attention! Did I mention that it is so easy for me to work. I have the most wonderful job in the world, having the opportunity to interact every day with great people and be coach and role model for folks who want to live life to the fullest. Being a CODE model coach and catalyst means I get to live my passsion every day in my office. So if all that is true and it is... how come I forgot and defaulted to my old conditioning of being a human doing? I think I got so consumed with what I was doing I forgot to live moment to moment to moment and got so focused on the "goal" I forgot to enjoy the ride and once the process got launched I was unwilling to get off the train! I was so sure that the ticket to ride would get me what I wanted I never asked the price. Have I ever done that before? Yes once about 28 years ago. Wow did I forget what happens when you stop caring for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! Why we do that is the subject for another day. I start 2008 with a new passion for me. I have learned to say NO. No to taking on stuff that is not mine. No to outrageous goals I set for me there is enough time and energy for everything I want there is no need to rush...slow down and enjoy the getting there it is such a large part of the fun! No bankrupting me. No to a serious disease when health = NO! There will be no more burn or panic for this gal!