Whose Rule Anyway?

A few days ago after I figuratively fell on my face I finally gave in and acknowledged to myself how tired I really was. As you might imagine it was not a gentle giving in, a slow dawning realization, one that came about as a sort of noticing the increasingly loud messages of my body but one that arrived full blown just like a whack on the side of the head. Even then did I pay attention......not likely! Noticing and paying attention to what my body is saying to me is not my number one operating procedure! My usual practice is to work until the work is done no matter what and then if...IF there is any time left do something that is pleasurable for me. Connect with my family, read a book, go to a movie or the theater. Where on earth did I learn that it is okay to abuse my body to make sure that ALL THE WORK GETS DONE FIRST! I don't remember buying a ticket for that trip and yet that is exactly the way that I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I did notice for a short time about 20 years ago after I had a health scare and guess what....shortly after the scare passed I was back to the old pattern in the blink of an eye!

The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!

Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!

Rude What's Rude

Just as I was ready to post my musings the other night I realized how tired I was and in the same moment I realized I just wanted to crawl into my nice comfy bed and pull the covers up to my chin and take a few nice deep realxing breaths. What I did next was so automatic in and of itself that a moment after I said what I said to myself I reallized that it was another huge opportunity for me to notice how deeply hard wired some of my behaviour really is! I also notice how quickly it happens. What I said to myself was not really anything to write home about....I said "I am going to be rude now and go to bed". Rude, what's rude about me wanting to go to bed? What is rude abut me stopping doing what I am doing and just go to bed! Having noticed what I noticed I have done some more noticing over the past few days and wondered how many other times I have stopped myself to ask permission from some unnamed person or thing or thought of someone else before I just did what I needed to do? Take care of myself, take care of myself in something as simply as just going to bed when I was tired. No dance, no permission just stop what I am doing, brush my teeth, wash and cream my face, I like to do that it keeps the wrinkles at bay....and go to bed.

So this week I am being rude....it must be working too as my spouse has complained about how hard I have beeen to get along with the past few days! I have a lot of practicing to do and I am up for it....I'll keep you posted.