I have been doing a lot pondering since I wrote my last post...which is probably a good thing! A good thing because I know that just remembering what it was like last fall will never change how I create my future, how I live my life day to day unless I evolve from what happened. To evolve from my near burn out I will need to stay awake, present and connected to my body. I now am able to recognize and remember that I got to my burn out state by avoiding at all costs paying attention to the information my body was giving me on a regular basis. Things like headaches, insomnia, heartburn, overwhelming fatigue, difficulty concentrating and never being able to just relax. I ignored it all and just kept on keeping on setting unreasonable, unattainable deadlines and beating myself up about not meeting them. I ignored the very information that would have created the space for me to choose differently. Choose in the moment and who knows I might have avoided it all!
So why, one might wonder, would an intelligent, well read and informed woman continue to override what she knows to be true. Without doubt what is true is that allowing my intellect to dictate and over ride my built in fail safe mechanisms defies understanding. Doing so explains, on the other hand, how deeply wired my old rules are. Rules about work, money, play, and most especially self. Now several weeks after admitting out loud that I came pretty close to a burn out paradoxically the same situation also offers me the opportunity to choose on a moment to moment basis to transform my life through a heightened sense of awareness. With a heightened state of awareness I step into my own power and transformation occurs in a heart beat! I like the sound of that....transformation in a heart beat. Ah yes remember the awareness......awareness.....moment to moment awareness transformation two sides of the same hand! I see me.
