The Evolution of a God Force

Infinite possibility

2009-10-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend and my promise to mySelf was that I would rest, relax, read and avoid cooking. My clear intention was to avoid the big turkey dinner that I had done for so many years. Happily done and I enjoyed it all and now I am just done with the roasting and hosting and quite satisfied that the baton is passed!

My plan was to start out on Friday with a facial and hot stone massage. Tick that one off. Settle in with a glass of wine and a good book. Tick that one off. Historically when I am over tired, and just a little fed up with the volume of work that I love and have created I tend to curl up on the couch with good music in the background, a bunch of candles lit around the room and open the pages of a crisp new junk read! Candy for the mind is how my physician refers to them and maybe so as I can easily get lost in a fine mystery for a few hours and somehow my mind, body and spirit seems refreshed when I figure out "who done it". Having devoured Dan Brown's new book earlier in the week I settled down with Diana Gabaldon's new tomb An Echo in The Bone. I've waited 3 years for this sequel to Ashes in the Snow and before that I had read everything she wrote and was always equally fascinated. I experience her as a marvellous weaver of historical fiction with and a great ability to insert snippets of quantum science and philosophy in the most unlikely places.

And so I sit on day 3 of my restoration plan reading with Samson (my 17 pound Lhasa Apso) curled up beside me........no candles as it is only lunch time but everything else that speaks to me of "great reading" in place. And suddenly the waves started to roll and with it came a primitive howl and tears and a great urge to run to the bathroom. After considerable deep breathing my body started to stabilize so I did run to the bathroom and came back to the couch not to my book but to my computer to share what has triggered such a strong wave. I know with great certainty the wave is related to the upcoming launch of Guardians of the Vision Parenting For The Birthright of Potential. My visceral response to the content of that book triggered a similar response. Wave after wave as I read the contributions of my fellow authors. Those willing to stand in their truth and decloak significant details of their life so that the lives of others particularly children may claim the birthright of their potential. We share how in the context of the WEL-Systems body of knowledge we reclaimed our birthright our potential to manifest a different world. Us first and then a world where kids claim their potential rather than injury themselves to silence the messages of their body that they haven't yet learned how to move. The simple process of breathing the wave rather than clamping down changes life in a second.

Much has changed in my life in the past 6 years since I first laid my hands information about the WEL-Systems body of knowledge. And to my delight "there is always more!"

The following statement in my junk read triggered my wave today Claire, the main female character says"why is it that women don't make war, I wonder? Her husband says "ye're no made for it.......and it wouldn't be right; you women take so much more with ye, when you go." He continues and says. "When a man dies, its only him......and one is much like another. A family needs a man (the novel is set in 1776) to feed and protect them. But any decent man can do it. A Woman.............A woman takes life with her when she goes. A woman is...................infinite possibility." Highlighting mine! Although I know that repeating words in your head actually slows down your ability to read I still do it and as I spoke those words a spontaneous wail came out of my mouth and one more layer of poisonous pedagogy unravelled. The stark wisdom, the sense of authenticity in those words reverberated in my cells so foreign to much of my earlier experience and I know them to be true. As true as the authenticity of the words in Guardians of the Vision. And so to anyone reading this blog

You are Cordially invited by the Co-Creators and Authors

to the Formal Launch of

Guardians of the Vision

Parenting For The Birthright of Potential

Monday October 26th 2009

Lilly Lake Pavillion

Saint John, NB

at 2:00 in the afternoon

for information call 506-634-2883

A name after all is way more than a name

2009-08-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

In a flash a cascade of knowing that the strategies I have often run in social situations have been fundamentally to gain acceptance of who I am and the way I move through the world from folks I may not even care about and may never even see again. And I did it to myself! And once separated from the godforce I am shit is often the result. Shit I create out of fear. Fear that I am not enough and of course in a heart beat I am then separated from the godforce I know my self to be and then I am not enough! In an act of unconsciousness, an act of being asleep I loose all my inner power, I loose sight of the godforce I am. This knowing arrived full blown and contrasted against the activities of my husband's 50Th anniversary of high school graduation. We spent time over a couple of days in the company of folks whose eyes flashed to my name tag in the hopes of slotting me into some category or other and I realized as I watched this completely unable to see me perhaps in their own fear of seeking to re-establish themselves as part of this long ago group. My name tag said Pat and my husband's name and at first I played nice and said it was okay,even though I had registered in my own name, so as not to make a fuss! It is a second marriage for us and our contract was that I came as a package deal, three kids a dog and I don't change my name! So for the 24 years of our marriage I have been known as Pat Donihee the name I was given by my parents. As the day went on I realized that the name tag was not me had never been me and how important my name was to me and all that meant in my moment to moment evolution. I knew in a heart beat that I was completely unwilling to give up any part of my journey what ever that may unfold to be and it of course had nothing to do with the name tag! I have known for almost 60 years that I possessed an insatiable desire to learn, grown, expand my consciousness and that drive could only be congruent to the extent that I am open, honest and direct with myself first and in that acceptance of me as I am then with others. I asked for a new name tag. On the two hour boat trip up the Saint John River on a magnificent summer day, I watched the sail boats, birds, scenery and I searched for someone to have conversation with and when I found none I sat down in the sun and had a nap! I awakened to a new world, my world, a constantly emerging future....moment to moment to moment where I am me in all my godforcenness!

Restless

2009-07-23T05:25:00.000-07:00

Restless, restless...there is the echo of a song in the back of my mind and yet I can't pull anymore from the depths of wherever I stored the full version. That seems par for the course at the moment! I feel restless, unsettled, unsure of even the ground I walk on while at the same time I am so confident that whatever unfolds will be just fine and I will be fine! Perhaps that is really the lesson for me in this deep state of restlessness that I will manifest what ever I clearly focus on especially when I am in alignment from 7 to 1. Hum.... I know that and yet I haven't yet stepped up to what I want to create in the immediate future. I have lived with my husband for 26 years and yet as different as every day has been we are in a new phase of "really" different. He has recently been diagnosed with dementia and I have no idea what that mean day to day moment to moment. I suspect my restlessness is about clarifying my thinking and focusing on what I want to manifest for the rest of my life as I am certain of one thing it will never match the plan I consciously or unconsciously had in my head for my "mature years". I am also aware that in the moments I choose to see my universe as unlimited albeit very different I feel free and a bit restless. Restless because I have so much potential and although I believe I have all the potential I can create I also have a lot of old beliefs, values and attitudes and rules around what I do now! I am clear that I am not yet sure about what I want to manifest and for now that is just fine as I know it will unfold exactly as it should.

Here comes the sun.....

2009-06-04T01:57:00.000-07:00

It is quiet, not completely empty of sound just quiet. Nothing is stirring yet not even the birds, not even the ones who are anxious to be first to taste the new day, first to let the world know they are present, first to make a mark on the untouched canvass of this new day. I know though it will not be long until they begun to sing.I feel it in my bones and hear in my mind the beauty of the melody of the choir who will soon burst into song.

The river is still and reflective and just beginning to don the rose of the approaching dawn. Although I am not a morning person I claim this time to be the dawn, to be the emerging beauty and wonder. I know I manifest this wonder,this beauty and stillness as my choice, as my way of moving through the world claiming my space for me just for me. Being invitational and claiming my space for me.

The sun is moving up on my horizon, peeking over the hills, lighting, warming touching everything lightly with a kiss on its way by. It does not linger just moves on its own path. I love the sounds and sights and touch of its warmth. The lush green of the hills I see out my window and yet I know under the new growth lies the fallen limbs and leaves of last year. And yet the movement continues and last year's fallen branches just add to the new growth. i wonder if that is how all my fallen branches add to the peace of this moment and there is no need to ponder about what is and worry about what might be. There is this most magnificent of moments to embrace, to be in and nothing else. Nothing else. What is is everything.

I leave in a few days to return to Ireland, the country of my father's family. the country they left 200 years ago to come to the land of opportunity. This trip, to a conference is not the first time I have left home and famiy to attend a conference. And this one is different. I go knowing I claim my time, my energy, my resources, my space because I say so! Yes I go to learn and I go to connect to meet people who will have information to help me choose my path. The path I am about to walk is new to me. Failure to choose me on this path, failure to listen to my inner direction I know will mean my sun goes down and stays down and all that is vital about me and to me will be lost! I put my face up to the sun and fell its warmth and know that is me warming me and bathing me in light and song. Me. A silent, emerging into full beauty. Me.

what is next?

2009-05-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

Tears are flowing, waves are moving and howls come out of my mouth. It is Sunday morning and I was cleaning my closet to pick up what I dropped on the floor last week and create the sense of order I know I appreciate when I am facing a busy week! I hear the TV as I walk through the family room on my way to the washer. I stop and watch for a moment and catch the word Alzheimer's. It is the program Maria Shriver created as her father Sargent Shriver the vital public servant of the Kennedy era is living with the disease. I watch, I cry, I wave and I howl. My husband has been diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia one of the 28 types of dementia lumped under the word Altzhiemers. I know what the past few years have been and yes it does help to be told that the painful arguments were "the disease" and i wonder what the the days and months ahead will be. A number of children were part of the project talking about their grandparents, explaining to each other about what is happening to their loved one.

I am grateful to have seen the program for this.....one young boy about 7 or 8 said "sometimes all you have is heart". Those words triggered the largest wave and loudest howl. Is that all I will have as my husband's disease progresses? Heart, my heart! Amazing! Amazing because when I was living my Catalyst experience I couldn't find a word to describe my unleashed self and I spontaneously painted a heart and that became my symbol and the logo for my business! Who would have known! Not me! I do know that what ever unfolds Great RIG will be the heart of it! Great RIG for me from me and great RIG for him from me.........There are infrequent flashes of that look in his eye when he says "I love You" that remind me of what we had, remind me that is what we had and then i come back t where I live now here in the moment and I carry that look in my heart. Heart sometimes that is all you have.

Magnificence of Awakening

2009-05-14T01:17:00.000-07:00

A new day is awakening. The darkness of night blue is softly fading away as light emerges at the edges to take its place accompanied by the deep rose that colours the surface of the peaceful water and heralds the arrival of the sun. An orchestra of birds has begun to warm up and the owl, not yet ready to sleep hoots its presence. One large bright star in the east remains and others twinkle to keep it company. The moon is on the other side of the house away from the water, lost to my sight and yet there all the same.

Although not by nature a morning person I love these times when awake and alone in the stillness of my house I experience myself as one with the unfolding around me. It is at these times I feel a deep sense of connection of peace of the immenseness of my presence. No limits just the huge space I am to unfold. Nothing to do now, nothing to press against just space, space to flow and flow and flow!

I am reminded of two concerts I attended last weekend. Both very different performers and yet in both I was struck by my perception that the audience was completely immaterial to the music being made! In the moment of the music the artists went inside and were oblivious to the 2500 or so people listening and seemed only present to themselves. I began to wonder and pay attention to those moments in my life. Standing on my deck wrapped in a blanket being the day that awakens is one of those moments for me. I smile and remember the oneness of the moment and move silently and with ease into the next, next and next.................

Letting it All Hang Out

2009-05-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

I notice first that my belly is tight and then I become aware that my breath is up in my throat and no sooner does that sensation come into my awareness when I realize that my shoulders are tense and then I realize that my upper back is also tense. I wonder how all this tension could be present in my body and I don't even notice. I wonder what I am so occupied with, what I am paying attention to so as to not notice what state my body is in. What is it that my body already senses, what is it that it knows about my environment that I have yet to notice. What is it that I don't want to know and what does it cost me not to know! And in that thought I relax my belly, drop my attention to the base of my spine and everything changes. So simple and yet such massive change and in a heart beat. I laugh out loud to myself....who cares if my belly hangs out! Who even notices? And if they do so what! Tonight all that happened in my car as I drove through woods and was grateful for the new moose fencing that keeps those massive animals off the road and away from my car. I love time in my car.... driving...in the confines of the car I create my own world and I drive down a mostly empty road tonight. I breathe and let go. I don't worry about answers and know it will all unfold as it should and what ever it is I know I am safe moment to moment to moment. I think about what is present in my world and wonder how conscious I was when I manifested all that and I refocus on what I clearly want what i dream about creating. I have been alone and in that aloneness lost touch with community that shares a passion and commitment to evolution. In that aloneness I have struggled. I commit to mySelf to my evolution and in that commitment I reach out and I am so much more! i breathe and i let it all hang out....and with elegance of course!

Awakening to what I Create

2009-05-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

There are days when I wonder how awake I am when I look around and notice what I have actually created on my holideck! That I have manifested it I have no doubt. That it constantly shape sifts I am certain. Shape shifts according to my degree of awakeness to my ability to focus on the huge intention that I carry. That everything on it is of my creation I have no doubt...that I have been asleep when when I manifested some of it I have no doubt. That my husband is some aspect of my consciousness I have no doubt What I have yet to experience in my body is the genius in what he has created for himself and how together we have created that in the way we relate to each other. That what he has created on his holideck certainly opens the door for him to move through his world very differently is pretty certain and perhaps that is what he wanted. That I had been asleep for some time to the potential we had to create great RIG I have no doubt. I didn't! We didn't! Had I given up on the possibility for us? What kind of habituated strategy is that? Where is it present in other aspects of my life? Could this strategy ever hinder the huge intention I hold to create my Emerging Future moment to moment to moment! What if any connection is there between this habituated pattern and my current holideck? What connection is there to my own collapsed space in my chest? what connection is there to my lack of focus on the intention I hold for how I want to move through my world, the holideck I want to create. Is the habituated pattern that I give up on mySelf that I go to sleep about what I want and out of fear go back to sleep, never go the extra mile, never open my mouth to speak my own truth. Go to sleep on my own potential, keep my life small, crush the spark before it can become a flame in case it burns. What if the flame would just transform, transform a small and weeny life into the vast potential I know I have to be present to me. Awake. Vibrant and full of Breath! Breath the sign of life. Imagine! Imagine what my life could be!

Unknown Unknown

2009-05-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

Living in the moment has new meaning for me now as does my commitment to my own evolution! Amazing what coming face to face with myself and my fallibility can do to bring me back inside myself to all the dark places where I feel the most vulnerable. All the dark places where I bargained with myself for a piece of me, counting on the fact that some of me would be left when all the other stuff was done. Preaching one thing, take care of yourself, make time for yourself and doing another myself by not taking care of me first.....what hypocrisy what bullshit! And life has taken a twist I never expected and as a result I have the opportunity to live on the edge by stepping into the unknown of designing my life on my own one moment at at time. I have the opportunity to imagine the life I would design and not only design it but step into it! As I do simple things like going for a walk by myself with out waiting for anyone or anything I realize I've probably never done that ever! Most of my life has been spent taking care of others first often resenting it when all that hard work was just taken for granted and expected! Imagine just a walk, a on my own! Imagine the possibilities yet undiscovered as I moment to moment hold to my absolute commitment to my own evolution my own commitment to choose and choose and choose. Simple and immense as I put me first in my own life and reshape it all, all with great RIG.

And in the Silence

2009-04-26T05:03:00.000-07:00

I sit at my key board in silence and almost immediately in the silence I hear flow. Air flowing in and out of my lungs with no effort and I feel them expand and have goose bumps when I fill with the awareness that all it takes is to imagine bigger space and then it is mine! Out of my head and into my body....damm what a long journey and I return again and again to knowing that the power the genius is in the body and not in figuring it out. I am a God Force manifesting moment to moment with immense passion for me and for all the RGGING conversations I engage it. I manifest my life and as soon as I imagine it I can imagine it again and again....

Thanks for the Wheeze

2008-11-06T03:46:00.000-08:00

Wow what a surprise!! In just a few short days I have come to appreciate my wheeze! Appreciate what you might ask since I sure asked myself the same question! And my answer is that my wheeze is my new best friend. It is my best friend because when I notice I am wheezing and I willing to pause, to pay attention and go inside and notice what what is going on in my body I often learn that all my 50 trillion cells are so tight it is no wonder I can hardly breathe and the wheeze is my body's way of getting my attention! So thank heaven for my willingness to do something different as otherwise I would do like I did for so many years revert to puffers that provide only minimal relief at any one time and only for a short time and then the routine starts all over again.

Now I am so different! When I become aware of the wheeze which is not always right away I stop, focus on dropping my breathe deeper into my body, sometimes I need to get up and move the restlessness in me and most times I need to pay attention to the thoughts that are invariably running around on a loop in my head. So far so good as my puffer use is down by 99% and I feel so good I have actually exercised this week!

I can only imagine the horizons that will open up out there when I open up in here.... And speaking of horizons the view from my deck at Peaceful Haven this morning is like something out of a magical, mystical movie! As I watched the solid bank of fog begin to part and lift and the mist is just hanging off the top of the trees and the whole scene is reflected in the water. Not a sound can be heard as it seems even the birds are in awe of the landscape unfolding for me this morning. The sky has patches of light as the morning awakes over the still water that absorbs and reflects. I explore the landscape as a metaphor unfolding before me in ever evolving clarity. Claim me. Claim me. I am free because I say I am no more waiting until anything happens. I am content because I say I am and because I have inside me everything I need now and if I need something else later I'll get it! It is not lost on me that since I declared myself free space has opened up and the "work" is still getting done! Imagine that! I can't wait to see what's next!

How shut down is shut down?

2008-11-02T03:10:00.000-08:00

I know what I know and it's lots and at times I am so surprised that knowing all that doesn't help me to regain the state of ease and peace I so desire. I am in the moment realizing that knowing and living what I know are certainly two different things. I am learning that paying attention and being in the moment is the only way to de-code the messages from my body otherwise my body has to up the ante by talking louder. Sure I know all that stuff, from an intellectual point of view, about what is necessary in order for my body to function effectively. It needs stuff, air, sleep, food, down time and exercise although I have never been really good at that one! What I am re-learning moment to moment these past few days is to pay attention to what my body knows before it even comes to my attention. Not being able to breathe easily really gets my attention. So as my breathing comes into my awareness I notice and pay attention to how compressed my 50 trillion cells are and remember to say thank you for the wheeze my body creates as a way of bringing me back to the essentials, of reminding me what it needs to function effectively.
In the past few hours as I focus on breathing I have also paid attention to where in my body I find my breathe. I notice where my shoulders are, what my upper back muscles are doing and I use my thoughts to imagine that way I want to be breathing. That there is plenty of air for ME. That I am connected to and am that air and it can flow easily through my body nurturing and feeding it. By paying attention to how tight my body is and realize how much in protection I am in the moment.....imagine 50 trillion cells in lock down! As I, with intention shift my attention to the base of my spine I am beginning to re-claim a state of peace and flow and wonder of wonders my breathe flows....no struggle, no panic just ease and no wheeze!! How delightful to pay attention to flow and experience it so easily....now that is worth repeating! Oh and did I mention the monkey talk? Yes I paid a lot of attention to my surface dialogue and created a rote, mantra for the moment until I install new soft ware to re-program my mind to my new reality.......race horse running on the beach followed by a magnificent Irish Setter with all her feathers flying in the breeze now that's a picture to replace the donkeyness of an unwanted beast of burden and run free! gotta go I'm running free.................

Heat, heat and more heat

2008-10-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

It seems lately that as I move through my world I am called to moment to moment to moment to notice, more than I used to notice, about my state, about what is going on in my body. Perhaps it is just that the waves of heat moving through me are so intense they simply can't be ignored! LOL! It is pretty hard to ignore the drops of moisture on my nose and forehead and the fact that any curls I might have had in my hair fall down in my eyes and my clothing is sticking to me! So what I have begun to do is to pay attention and notice where I am, what if any conversation is taking place and what the topic of conversation is about any any other relevant circumstance that have facilitated the movement of the waves and waves of heat I am experiencing! Since I am also waking up at night with waves and waves of heat moving through me and no it is not "hot flashes" I suspect that as the heat begins to move I have been dreaming or perhaps it is just that my body is feeling more relaxed and therefore it is much easier for the waves to move. On the other hand it matters not what had precipitated the wave only that the waves are moving and my body is restablising itself.

I must admit that I am amazed at the depth and frequency of the waves I am experiencing and the intensity of the heat from my heart chakra up. It seems for the past few days anyway the good news is that as all this heat moves through me I have broken my dependence on puffers and am able to stop the wheeze by focusing on dropping my breath to the base of my spine and by paying attention to my inner dialogue....which as you might have guessed is not usually very positive when I am gasping for breath! Oh yes the gasping is not much of a pretty sight either! Holding on to the image of me as a race horse or my beautiful Irish Setter running full tilt on the beach rather than of the beast of burden I had allowed myself to be sure helps. It also helps to say NO and to remember NO is a complete sentence when I am asked to take on stuff that is not mine!!

So I am amazed at the brilliance of my body and how it can heal itself if I ask my intellect to get out of the way...and there is always more!

breathe is more than breathing

2008-10-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Pressure in my chest....again! What is it all about this time? What do I notice? What is going on around me? Who is here? Am I trying to impress? Am I trying to control the outcome of a relatively ordinary family dinner? No I wasn't trying to impress anyone although I admit I certainly had a huge attachment to an outcome. I wanted it to be a pleasant dinner, respectful conversation and a peaceful family evening. I knew we were all adults and I was determined that we would all help that I wouldn't do all the work while everyone else was relaxing and visiting!

I was present and aware of my inner state and for the greater portion of the evening everything was as I imagined it to be. Then for no reason I could put my finger on I started to wheeze a bit and then I noticed that I felt huge pressure in my chest. As I write these words there is huge heat moving from the fire center up through my body so although my intellect has not offered up any understanding my body knows the fear I felt that something would be said and tempers flare and the image of family I hold so vitally important would not be as I imagine it to be! The bigger question is why I believe it is my job to "make sure" everything is nice! More donkeyness I am so determined to let go of so I am more like the white horse or my Irish Setter running on the beach by the ocean freely comletley one with the universe! And there is always more...............and I am up for it

Stepping out to step in

2008-10-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

The pressure in my chest was huge and dense. If it had a colour it was black and if it had a feeling it felt like it was stuck to me with suction cups like the underside of an octopus's legs. Stuck to me and sucking the life out of me! It felt stuck and heavy like an elephant was standing on me and not just the front feet all of it!

No wonder I couldn't breathe and the harder I fought against the pressure the harder it was to get a breath. I heaved and as I heaved I felt panicky and I am so grateful that I know what I know so I didn't run to the hospital where I would be given drugs to silence this hugely vital message from my body! In my more lucid moments it was clear to me that my body was saying no and the only relevant question was whether or not I was ready, yet, to listen to the message and choose ME? I don't want to even think about the consequences of not choosing ME. I have so much living to do and so many books to write the only question is am I willing to step out of my donkeyness, being a beast of burden and feeling responsible to carry it all? As I carried them I just thought that they were mine to carry. That they must be carried the way I have been carrying them, even when no one asks me to, and that this is the only way my life can be. Being the best donkey in the pack is not exactly how I imagined my life to be especially at this stage of my life. I can and have changed it already. Oh I wanted to be prepared, be respectful in the way I declared my intention the I was done, done, done with donkeyness and the contract was up for renegotiation.

You know what someone famous said about the best laid plans of mice and men...........so there I was just saying no! Wow that easy. NO! Not like that not anymore and not really as respectfully as I planned and still no! No, no, no! There was a a bit of fire behind that voice!

Stepping out for a WEL-Systems based retreat at Oceanstone that marvellous oasis on the edge of the Atlantic,in the company of other women unwilling to back away from the difficult conversations was everything I hoped it would be! It was time away from routine, television, ringing phones and any outside demands and provided the environment for me to step back and create the space to rethink how I want to be moving through my life moment to moment to moment. And what a surprise breathe is flowing as smoothly and easily as I intend my life to flow. And as Louise so elegantly promises " and there is always more" Nope she is not kidding and that is just fine. I am up for it and for the moment the image I have in my mind is of a beautiful Irish Setter flying along on the sand at the edge of the ocean. Running full tilt with all her feathers floating on the wind, poetry in motion, free and one with the universe. Me unbound and limitless!

The Winds of Change

2008-10-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

Swirling, moaning, rustling leaves, rattling screens, fading away, returning to my awareness, clinging, dancing through the corners of my soul. What is it about the wind that it so fascinates me today? Of course I recall snippets of songs, comments about wind. Fear of its power and the desire to harness it use it for some purpose and just for today I am the wind! I swirl and moan and squeak, rousing me from sleep, refusing to be silent, refusing to "die down" fanning the fire. Sucking at it like you suck on a straw to get the last of it, reminding me that you need air in order for the fire to burn and transform. That the air I am has been speaking in symbols and especially sounds for a long time banging at the door of my attention so that I would notice I am not a donkey! A beast of burden to take on and take on to keep the peace or whatever other bull shit reason I think it is my job for a minute and day or a week so I won't notice that it is crushing the life out of me. Silencing the dreams the big voice I carry to speak my truth especially when it doesn't fit or conform to the expected. Is that the special connection I feel to my grandson who stepped out of the craziness he was living? He too medicated and the only difference is mine was legal. Both courses of action numbed us out to silence our brilliance, our voice to so we could carry on being the beast of burden and tolerate the craziness. God forbid we call the elephant an elephant!

The wind I am in silent now knowing a connection to my fire has been made, peace no struggle just flow, breathing easy.

I hear it again, the dance, the touch, the fire has moved and for the moment there is stillness and peace opportunity to rest and awaken refreshed re-newed riding the current that I watch Jonathan do....remember him he is the seagull that wanted to fly high and be all it was possible to imagine and be! Me too! Riding the current, first one and then another and another.....moment to moment..................

I am my heart & soul

2008-10-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

When I was in school I loved history! It was so easy for me to memorize a bunch of stuff and spit it back in class or on an exam and then I thought spitting that stuff back meant I was smart and that meant I would do well in life. It was drilled into me that history helps us analyse what has already happened and then we can use that to figure out what to do next. For me that was like follow the rules and you'll be okay, good things will happen if you follow the rules and all your dreams will come true. I could have made up that part about all your dreams coming true and for sure that is what I believed. I am a smart woman and although older now I am in awe of how much of all that stuff sure didn't work out the way it was suggested to me.....was it all a lie. No I don't believe that I was deliberately lied to I know that the people who said those things to me believed what they said and lots of people still seem to believe them. It is amazing to me that while I was so busy analysing the past my present was slipping away and my future sure as hell was not guaranteed just because something happened yesterday. So now as I unravel the impact of the way I was trained, to believe that doing the same thing over and over would make my life predictable and safe I realize just how untrue that was for me and what the outcomes of accepting with out question all that have meant for me! And yes I also believed in Santa Claus and that parents knew everything and what they told me would always be true. So for the most part I followed the rules at least the ones that made sense to me mostly because I had not yet discovered that there was another way. I am so grateful for my curious mind, for the fire that burns in my belly to get to my core, to get to the place where I am open and honest with me first and then move through my life decloaked to be completley unwilling to not be who I am no matter what no matter where. Then and only then will I be able to say I am my heart and soul standing alone creating my life moment to moment and yet willing to share with someone who can stand and claim themselves and co-create with me. That may mean I stand alone and that is just fine with me becasue safe and predicatable is just too small and dark and confining. I intend to create my own trip and fly high! I hope i meet you on the wing.

I See Me

2008-03-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

I have been doing a lot pondering since I wrote my last post...which is probably a good thing! A good thing because I know that just remembering what it was like last fall will never change how I create my future, how I live my life day to day unless I evolve from what happened. To evolve from my near burn out I will need to stay awake, present and connected to my body. I now am able to recognize and remember that I got to my burn out state by avoiding at all costs paying attention to the information my body was giving me on a regular basis. Things like headaches, insomnia, heartburn, overwhelming fatigue, difficulty concentrating and never being able to just relax. I ignored it all and just kept on keeping on setting unreasonable, unattainable deadlines and beating myself up about not meeting them. I ignored the very information that would have created the space for me to choose differently. Choose in the moment and who knows I might have avoided it all!

So why, one might wonder, would an intelligent, well read and informed woman continue to override what she knows to be true. Without doubt what is true is that allowing my intellect to dictate and over ride my built in fail safe mechanisms defies understanding. Doing so explains, on the other hand, how deeply wired my old rules are. Rules about work, money, play, and most especially self. Now several weeks after admitting out loud that I came pretty close to a burn out paradoxically the same situation also offers me the opportunity to choose on a moment to moment basis to transform my life through a heightened sense of awareness. With a heightened state of awareness I step into my own power and transformation occurs in a heart beat! I like the sound of that....transformation in a heart beat. Ah yes remember the awareness......awareness.....moment to moment awareness transformation two sides of the same hand! I see me.

To burn or not to burn

2008-02-01T14:40:00.000-08:00

My sister and I often recommend books to each other and recently she recommended When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate. As I began to read it the other night I was startled to read the following quote "in the important areas of their lives almost none of my patients with serious disease had ever learned to say no."

No! To maintain our health all we have to do is say NO. Such a little word, just 2 letters and yet so powerful and so very difficult for many of us to say! Why is that? What on earth makes saying no such a big deal? I asked myself that when I read those lines ithe other night especially since I failed to say no so many times in the months leading up to Christmas 2007. Let me be excedingly clear the no I never said was to me! I over road my body's messages over and over and over again for 2 or 3 nonths without a break. Messages of fatique, hunger, bathroom, relaxation, kindness, gentleness, self care all of them. Why? Nobody forced me to do that.... get this except me! What kind of sense does that make? It made sense to me at the time because there was a client to see, something I wanted to do, work I wanted to finish a goal I was determined to meet and I was unwilling to be deterred, by anything. With what did I pay for this determination? Why my health of course! The body is the final line in the sand and it will have it's pound of flesh! So when my doctor asked me to come and see her about the results of a test she ordered I went. Did I mention that I am blessed with a marvelous doctor, one who listens to me and partner's with me in my health. Did I mention that I had a visit to the outpatient department of our local hospital with chest pain and blood presure out of sight for me! So when she said by the way you had a panic attack I laughed and said no, not me I don't do panic attacks! Well she said what did you have when you went to the hospital? Chest pain I said. Well she said all your heart tests are normal...you had a panic attack. No I said. So she said what was it? Well I finally adimitted that I could have had an overwhelmed attack at which point she had a chuckle. Did I mention this woman is wonderful!

So after 3 weeks away from my office on a planned vacation and 2 more weeks to ponder how I behaved and the consequences of my choice to work, work, work! I can honestly say I had a panic attack. It was my body's way of upping the signal and hoping to get through to me that I better pay attention! Did I mention that it is so easy for me to work. I have the most wonderful job in the world, having the opportunity to interact every day with great people and be coach and role model for folks who want to live life to the fullest. Being a CODE model coach and catalyst means I get to live my passsion every day in my office. So if all that is true and it is... how come I forgot and defaulted to my old conditioning of being a human doing? I think I got so consumed with what I was doing I forgot to live moment to moment to moment and got so focused on the "goal" I forgot to enjoy the ride and once the process got launched I was unwilling to get off the train! I was so sure that the ticket to ride would get me what I wanted I never asked the price. Have I ever done that before? Yes once about 28 years ago. Wow did I forget what happens when you stop caring for yourself as much as you care for everyone else! Why we do that is the subject for another day. I start 2008 with a new passion for me. I have learned to say NO. No to taking on stuff that is not mine. No to outrageous goals I set for me there is enough time and energy for everything I want there is no need to rush...slow down and enjoy the getting there it is such a large part of the fun! No bankrupting me. No to a serious disease when health = NO! There will be no more burn or panic for this gal!

Whose Rule Anyway?

2007-11-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

A few days ago after I figuratively fell on my face I finally gave in and acknowledged to myself how tired I really was. As you might imagine it was not a gentle giving in, a slow dawning realization, one that came about as a sort of noticing the increasingly loud messages of my body but one that arrived full blown just like a whack on the side of the head. Even then did I pay attention......not likely! Noticing and paying attention to what my body is saying to me is not my number one operating procedure! My usual practice is to work until the work is done no matter what and then if...IF there is any time left do something that is pleasurable for me. Connect with my family, read a book, go to a movie or the theater. Where on earth did I learn that it is okay to abuse my body to make sure that ALL THE WORK GETS DONE FIRST! I don't remember buying a ticket for that trip and yet that is exactly the way that I have lived my life for as long as I can remember. I did notice for a short time about 20 years ago after I had a health scare and guess what....shortly after the scare passed I was back to the old pattern in the blink of an eye!

The rule really came back to me recently in an unexpected way. My sister and I were sitting on my deck, on a warm delightful mid fall day. As our conversation meandered around a myriad of topics she said she had only just realized, since she had retired, how she had abused her body for so many years as a teacher. Abused her body with work, the work of a creative and dedicated teacher, one who wanted all her students to succeed and always went way above the call of duty to meet the needs of her students. I must admit I was, at first, a bit shocked to hear her describe her dedication and hard work as abuse to her body! However as I reviewed our conversation in my mind over the next few days I realized I of course had done exactly the same thing and I suspect our two brothers might fit into that description as well. So where did we learn that? We learned it at home of course from our parents and other important role models in our lives! Where did we they learn it? Probably from their parents of course and so on and so on and so on! How many other rules have we internalized and live to the detriment of our lives, our relationships and our families not to mention our health without our being aware of them? What is to be done about it if anything? Do you want to do anything about your rules what ever they are? I do! I want to do meaningful work in my life and I want to be as important in my life as my work is! I want to be creative with my time. I want to paint and write and travel and play with my grandchildren. Hold hands with my husband and walk carefree on the beach. I want to read great books and model something else besides work first to my family....if it is not too late at this point. How? Ahh I am going to learn the how moment to moment by paying attention and noticing what is going on in me now!

Most of all, I figure the rules boil down to love, self love and of course about worth. It is about my worth, my worth, about me recognizing and valuing me as much as I value everything else I am willing to give my time to. Accepting that I am worth being in my life and that means I need to stop hiding behind rules and show up in my own life. I need to claim my place in my life if it is to matter at all. No hiding behind rules just showing up and claiming it all, what ever my all is moment to moment to moment! Stay tuned as I set the dial to me and my dreams! Have I banished the old patterns/rules because I say so...no I don't think it is quite that easy! Will I do it.....I must. Why? Because the rules are killing me and I have a lot of living to do yet.....remember no play until the work is done! When is the work done? When I say it is done and I say it is done now! I hear a cup of tea and a good book calling stay tuned!

Rude What's Rude

2007-11-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

Just as I was ready to post my musings the other night I realized how tired I was and in the same moment I realized I just wanted to crawl into my nice comfy bed and pull the covers up to my chin and take a few nice deep realxing breaths. What I did next was so automatic in and of itself that a moment after I said what I said to myself I reallized that it was another huge opportunity for me to notice how deeply hard wired some of my behaviour really is! I also notice how quickly it happens. What I said to myself was not really anything to write home about....I said "I am going to be rude now and go to bed". Rude, what's rude about me wanting to go to bed? What is rude abut me stopping doing what I am doing and just go to bed! Having noticed what I noticed I have done some more noticing over the past few days and wondered how many other times I have stopped myself to ask permission from some unnamed person or thing or thought of someone else before I just did what I needed to do? Take care of myself, take care of myself in something as simply as just going to bed when I was tired. No dance, no permission just stop what I am doing, brush my teeth, wash and cream my face, I like to do that it keeps the wrinkles at bay....and go to bed.

So this week I am being rude....it must be working too as my spouse has complained about how hard I have beeen to get along with the past few days! I have a lot of practicing to do and I am up for it....I'll keep you posted.

So it really is about love

2007-10-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

Love. I hear lots and lots about love everywhere, in music, in books, in movies and on TV of course... talk about all kinds of love....good love, bad love, right love, wrong love, never ending love...always available love, understanding love...undying love. So many shapes, sizes and colours of love, designer love and even will all of that information about love how many of us really are at peace with our own knowing of love. Our own personal deep down, visceral unquestioning love of self. I know I continue to search for that self love, that acceptance, the unconditional I am okay just the way I am without exception...kind of acceptance that is so often the under pinning of the enduring novel. But never mind the novel, the story someone else writes to hook me, entertain and for a period of time carry me away from the minute day to day detail of my life. When I am not paying attention what is the real cost of the absence of the most fundamental and life sustaining energy of life? Love, self love. The life giving energy kind of love that is such second nature to me that I am totally unwilling to postpone going to the bathroom when I need to go, eating when I am hungry rather than on someone else's schedule resting when I am tired, quitting with work left on the desk rather than slugging it out in order to follow some old rule about never quitting when there is still work to do. Where did that rule come from ...I can't even recall and yet how many years have I consistently undervalued, under noticed and undeasigned my own resources to me! The resources that are my godforce, those unique and personal gifts that I give away so easily to those I care for..., to love deeply and with integrity the people I have chosen to be in my life. As I lay in our hospital emergency room last night I heard the bell toll....the message was loud and clear. Don't wait even a minute, start now this minute, do what you know you have been denying, that inside force that has been crying to get out for so long. Write the book....start with a new posting on the blog. Step up to the plate and shape your schedule open space to lay out the book...write something anything my heart needs it! Live in the moment, say no to and outside request just because I want to do something, anything it doesn't matter what just something that matters to me. Make no excuses I matter in my life, in fact I am the only thing that matters in my life and it sure as heck matters as much as what someone else wants from me. Yup I will be rude as being polite seems to mean that I don't count in my life. The wake up bell is ringing and guess what it is my bell and it has been ringing for me for a long time! I plan to show up and ring that darn bell exactly when I want to ring it. And now I am off to bed...I'm tired and just going to bed is how I am loving me right now. Stay tuned there is lots more to come!

In Flow

2007-07-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

I love Sunday mornings! I love the peace of them, the sense of empowerment in recognizing that I create a different pace, and more space to contemplate, to listen to music...the music I choose....the music the universe creates outside my open windows and doors...the birds...the water...the loons.....the chipmunks and squirrels....especially the one sitting in my bird feeder outside my dinning room window enjoying the buffet he wasn't invited to and attends with his/her own sense of absolute entitlement! I could learn from this squirrel as I smile and enjoy his/her antics in getting up and into what the feeder has to offer!

I revel in the dream we, my husband/partner and I have created. I remember to tell him how much his creativity and hard work in landscaping Peaceful Haven are central to what I midwife/birth here. Often when clients first drive into the yard and I notice what they notice again for the first time....I have a silent secret moment of extreme pleasure just watching as they pause and stand still, so still and gaze at the water and savour this Oasis in the city. I know it sets the environment for them to step into the something bigger, something else they might not have even thought was possible a few short moments before!

I know how blessed I am to have stayed in so many of my own difficult conversations for so long to have arrived just here....just exactly where I want to be and exactly where I know I am meant to be. I know that I am open to whatever my next evolution will be .....breathing is good.....and there is always more!

And I smile as I post this.....it is so not what I thought I would write when I logged on today.....I had a theme all picked out, all about Guru's ......I wanted to talk about how important Yoga practice has become in my life.....ohh well maybe next time and maybe not depending on what comes out the end of my fingers when I am in the moment and open to the flow in the Spirit of Aloha.....without judgement.

Vibrant Colours

2007-06-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am experiencing my world in brighter colours since my early dawn walk on the beach at Oceanstone last Friday morning. It was a quiet gray dawn, and the sand was coarse and cold as I walked in my bare feet. The world seemed to be all mine at that moment.......just the birds squaking and me walking on the edge of the Atlantic, an Atlantic that was gentle and quiet in that moment. Then the fog started to roll in and it seemed the birds were squaking all the louder.....and the bell was ringing...a hollow kind of sound. Bells have often called to me to remind me to get going, to school or to church or some other place I thought I should be or someone thought I should be and I didn't question. For now, in this moment, the bell had a lonely sound to it an echo that seemed to slide over the water right up to me. I found a comfortable rock and sat contemplating some of what I had discovered in our conversations....I don't know how many hours or days it had been since we started to talk. Time for me just seemd to collapse.....as I reminded myself to breath and stay in the tough conversations, stay in the moment....moment to moment to moment. Most often my tough conversations were with my own intellect. The rock began to dig into my butt or so it seemed and I was having a hard time sitting still....I was so fired up with what was going on inside of me....all the things I wanted to claim for me. So I started to walk again and I discovered two pieces of beach glass a blue one and a green one.....several shells I bagged to be carried home to add to the alter of special memories in my office. Things that remind me of this dawn walk, the depth of the conversations we have had and the recommitment I have made to be me no matter what company I am keeping. I know I am more present in me so my opportunity to sense more seems so new and exciting. Everything seems more vibrant like I am experiencing it for the first time. In my conversations I listen differently, I listen for my voice. Is it me speaking or is it the voice others expect me to speak with saying what they expect me to say. I am back to the office tomorrow. I will have to be present, awake moment to moment......to ensure I don't give me away as I have so many times before....doing, always doing what is expected. My body is into rebelling now, usually by initiating an asthma attack to get my attention to make clear the price of collusion in my life, no ifs ands or buts! No more comas for me. Just colours lots of colours in many different aspects of my life. ......I bought myself some pastels, 36 of them in all shades and colours and a big pad of paper a really big pad of paper! I got right in them tonight with my hands....not a sun Ann but a beautiful sunset full of vibrant colours. It is art because I say it is art my art and much more to come dirty hands and all.

I have a bunch of projects to get underway.......details later in another blog. I finally have a picture, a sense of how my book can unfold and that is so exciting to me. The artist in me is unfolding because I'm creating the space for its expression. Space a good topic for next time.

2007-06-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Life Lessons

2007-06-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was so proud of my computer neophyte self for setting up my new blog.....then when I tried to get back in this morning it was a no go, a no go and a no go. I Couldn't figure out how to log in and I couldn't even answer the questions about my username and password....I hadn't written them down....I didn't know I need to remember them and if I had I probably thought I would just remember what I needed to remember. As I thought about my struggle to figure it out, to make it work, to keep at it until I figured it out I had a good laugh at myself and guess what? Moments after deciding to just let go and set up a new blog it all reappeared as if magic .

What a metaphor for getting out of my head staying in the moment, if it is not working do something else. After a great chuckle "at myself" here I am in the middle of what I wanted with not much effort.......I am sure there is a great lesson there.

Cleaning my drawers

2007-06-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

Why you might ask would I blog about cleaning my underwear drawer! Especially in my very first blog.......yup I actually got it set up all by myself. Well while the purpose may elude others it is critically clear and very important to me. Important because I had a huge, no pun intended, purpose in cleaning the drawer. It represents to me a new start. A vital new start....not the first new start I have ever made but certainly the first new start I've made in this moment. And of course I remember what my mother used to say about always making sure I had clean underwear on when I was going somewhere important. So I have new underwear on for this important event. A start to me showing up and being present in my own life.

For so long I thought that understanding that evolution was a process was enough for evolution to happen! I now acknowledge that my emphasis on understanding has gotten in the way of the very evolution I so desperately wanted.

So I'v cleaned out my underwear drawer and set up my blog! Imagine what will come next!